Poem I wrote last night

I fly so high..so high into the sky..i can touch the stars..maybe one day wipe the scars..bleed away the romance..

Always laugh & dance..Sing a song 2nite..a song 4 the broken hearted.. The young & departed..I'll whisper my sins away..

Its late now i cannot stay... There'll come a time.. A time wen u can look back & understand..Life is wat u make it...

made my choice... Sing a song..it'll be the story of my life.. A life lived n pain & dispair...

I never asked 4 it 2 turn out this way...Just remember i love you.. You'll understand life another day...Tonight close your eyes..

Whisper ur sins away.. Its my day..close ur eyes have no fear...it'll take u under...Ur under its spell now... Tighten ur arm..

Clench ur fist..it'll make u float.. You'll take a risk...This is the life i chose.. So u choose urs wiser..

Have a good life because you only get 1 chance 2 make it right..live or die or put up a fight..It numbs the pain..

But ur numb & thats all you've ever felt...this is ur life.. These were the cards u were dealt..Afraid 2 sleep, afraid 2 dream...

life isn't wat it seemed..Tears fill ur eyes with such pain..inside ur head it will always rain.. Screams of pain & screams of fear..

Inside ur head..thats all u ever hear.. Love you now.. Loved you than.. Will love u forever... Love in death..

Sins my past now washed away..Sleep 2 dream so u can be a nightmare n my sleep, wake up sweating.. It'll overcome u...

i lived a good life but this is goodbye..my eyes have sunk in..This is where it ends..

They are dark like coal..So black and gray... This is it.. This is the day..

poem from last night...

I've lost who i was.. I've become some1 i hate.. A monster.. Some1 i'm not.. I fight the demons that i have inside..
But the thoughts just won't subside..Everyday that i wake up i wish that i hadn't..
i don't know why these thoughts run thru my head.. I don't understand why i wish i was dead..
I can't explain why i've been acting this way.. I've been treating ppl wrong & i don't know why..
i can't sleep, can't eat..all i can do is cry..I'm dying slowly inside.. Every day i have thoughts in my head..
I have thoughts of taking pills just to numb the pain..everyday it rains inside my head.. I try not 2 listen 2 the voices..
Even tho the voices say i should end it all.. Sometimes i wonder wat it would b like 2 die.. But truth is, i'm so scared 2 die..
I think sometimes that if i was dead maybe ppls lives would be better if i was gone..it keeps playin over & over.. This stupid song..
its like a broken record.. That keeps on skipping..And everyday i keep on wishing..hoping that this will be the last..
it has nothing 2 do with u.. I'm just not happy with myself..No matter wat u say..
i'll always think this is my fault..i'll always blame myself..hate who i am.. Have who i've become..

3 Feb 2008

I hate myself right now. I hate who i've become. I hate that i don't hate a job. I hate that i don't have any money.
I hate myself cos i feel like i'm a failure. I feel like i'm not good enough 4 any1. I feel like every1 expects so much of me.
I just don't know wat 2 do anymore. I feel so lost inside. My mind is a ticking time bomb just waiting 2 go off.
Somethin is crawlin on my skin..i don't know wat it is but its something
I ripped the skin off my foot. I think i have athletes feet thanks 2 the army cos i had 2 wear those combat boots wen i was n the army.
I can't sleep. Kourtnee is passed out next 2 me. She so snores n her sleep. Lol.. I forgot exactly wat she has.
I know that she has to use a nebulizer when she gets real sick. I think thats why she snores 4 one.
I can't sleep but my eyes are gettin heavy. I had 2 pee earlier and before i went 2 the bathroom i was fallin asleep.
After i came bak from the bathroom i was wide awake again. But my eyes are so gettin heavy again.
I feel like i'm bout 2 go 2 sleep soon.
Maria scared the shit out of me earlier. She sat str8 up & it scared me. I don't think she was awake tho.
I talked 2 her but she didn't respond. Lol. Kevin is in there talkin 2 himself. Elizabeth was talkin n her sleep.
It was freakin me out. I guess n a way i'm scared. I'm scared about a lot of things.
I don't like Craigsville. This town scares the hell out of me. I'm not goin 2 get n2 all that tho. I don't talk about my feelings tho.
I so was going 2 fix something 2 eat but every1 went 2 bed on me. I'm layin n bed but can't sleep.
I can't even use the internet on my phone cos i'm n roaming cos we're out n Craigsville.
I took kourtnee back 2 school 2 c every1 but there weren't many ppl there. She ended up having an argument with Nicolette.
She never did tell me wat that was about. Or wat corey said. Maybe she didn't tell me cos she didn't want me gettin pissed off.

Wats happened n 2007

My alcoholism got worse.. I overdosed on vicoden wen sara i 1st started hangin out.. I moved outta walters apt.. Moved bak n my parents house.. Fell n love been with her since feb 14th 2007..got 2 go 2 my hometown townsend tennesse 4 my bday. Overdosed on ativan and adderall and sara and my mom took care of me that nite..started school..sara moved n with my parents and i..

New years

This is the 2nd year that ive gone without my parents. Next year im watchin the ball drop with my parents. Sara i are at her parents house waitin 2 watch the ball drop. Her parents r awesome. I love them. They r totally cool.

Words of wisdom

Just remember.... You have to make yourself happy before you make anyone else happy! It only matters how you see yourself! You cant make anyone else happy if your not happy! You have to be confident about yourself, not conceited or cocky necessarily but you have to tell yourself that you are a beautiful person not just on the inside but on the outside also!

2007 wat a year

2007 has been a great yr. Ive lost touch with sum ppl, lost friendships gaind friendships. Its been a great yr but also it hasnt. I started with the dept of rehabilitative services n nov of 06 with plans 2 go 2 skool. 1 stipulation was that wth my histry of drinkn and doin drugs that i wud go 2 aa and na. I went 2 a couple meetins but than i stoppd goin. I went n nov but stoppd goin. On new yrs of 07 i went2 club216 and got totally wasted. Cant remember much of wat happnd that nite. I told myslef that i wasnt goin2 drink anymore or do drugs but i continued it. I dated ppl that did both so that didnt help me 2 stop doin it. I lived with my best friend walter and we always drank. I eventually moved outta walters and n2 my parents. I started hangn out with sara who i had known4awhile i just never hung out with her. We bcame best friends nstantly. She helpd me get off the drugs alcohol..