Thoughts

Sometimes I just don't know what to think. I don't understand life sometimes. It really does confuse me to a point. I don't understand how I can have all these feelings. I'm not sure if it is a good thing or a bad thing. I don know what is wrong with me, I really do not know. I don't know how to feel. I don't know what to do. I feel as if I am not myself anymore. I feel like a puppet sometimes. I look into the mirror and I see a complete stranger looking back at me. I wish I was young again, scraped knees and bruises are not nearly as bad as having a broken heart. Fixing scraped knees and bruises are much easier then fixing a broken heart. And I don't even know why I feel this way. I cant take it anymore. Its not necessarily that I am going to listen to my friends. Its more that I am going to take a break for awhile and listen to myself. Even though im not sure what I am really trying to tell myself though. Its weird, because I thought love was supposed to be this great thing, and when you were in love you felt like you were flying high above the sky into the heavens above. To me, that isn't what love is. Love is this pain that you have deep down inside you that you are tryin to get over but it just wont push itself out. When you're in love you're not supposed to feel such pain. I feel like my heart is being ripped out of my chest. Everyday I wake up, I wish that I hadn't. Without her it just all seems impossible. I miss seeing her smile, I miss kissing her soft lips. I miss everything about her, everything about her made me smile. Except for the fact that she was still in love with him. That in a way hurt me. In a way I feel like this is all my fault. I feel like i made her run away. I should have told her sooner how i felt about her. I'm such a fool. I can't help it that I love her. I think I am just going to stay in the house other than when I am at work. I need to get my head back on straight. I thought everything was going to be ok, but its not. It has to be though. And I can't do this anymore. I can't feel like this anymore. It has got to stop. Yeah, you may say I am stupid for loving her. But I cannot help it. I don't know how else to describe what I feel inside for her. It has to be love. i mean shit dood, when you can't get someone out of your mind, then what the fuck does that mean? tell me, cos i want to fucking know!!!! I can not describe it any other way. Sometimes I wish things would go back to the way they used to be but I don't think it will. It never will. So I'm going to walk away now, and if you really want to be with me, if you really feel anything for me, then you will be the one to come walking back here to be with me. if you really love me. I don't think it will happen that way, but I guess you never know what will happen. I never wanted to hurt you. Im sorry, this is all my fault. I guess I never showed you enough attention. I never showed you enough that I loved you. But this is all my fault, it really is. I fucked up and I blame myself. You know, it is hard to walk away from someone you love but I guess I have to do it. Hopefully my heart will mend itself, and I will be ok. I have to be ok. I don't want it to come down to me doin what I did last time. I have to tell myself that she isn't worth dying over. But I don't think I would listen to myself because I don't feel that way. I feel like I do have to prove to her that I do love her. I feel like if I killed myself then she would know that I do love with her and that I did want to be with her and that I wouldn't have anything else left to prove. But that it wouldn't matter, and that I won and she didn't. and I would be the one to win because she lost a chance of a lifetime to be with someone who actually truly loved her and really wanted to be with her. I think if I did kill myself I would definitely be the one winning. I don't know. I feel so much rage, and anger inside of me right now and it isn't a good thing.