My Attitude

Well, I've been depressed lately. I think this could be for several reasons. I miss my parents, I think I'm having withdrawls from them. I've always been used to living with them. Besides the fact that change gets to me after awhile. I miss living with my parents. Going back and seeing my room at my parents makes me wish I was still there. I need to go clean their house since they give me money. There could be another reason why I'm depressed. This could be because my house is cluttered and when my house is cluttered I get depressed. I know I could do someyhing about it, unclutter it. Clean it. But it's gotten to the point where it's so cluttered that I don't know where to start and I don't know where to put all the crap that we have in the house. Now I'm used to not having that much crap. Deb comes from a 3 bedroom house. Well, mom and dad have a 3 bedroom house but I didn't bring all the stuff from their house and besides I don't own that much stuff which I like because that makes for less clutter. I'm apparently not happy and I spend my days thinking about ways I could change it or what would make me happy but I don't think it will ever change. I'm married now and I just have to realize what I got myself into and realize that this is my life now and I can't change it. I mean I can change it but not without hurting people. I can change it to make myself happy but others lives will be affected. So I don't change it because I want to make others happy so I stay unhappy. This is life and I am slowly accepting it but I stay in this dream world dreaming about what I would do if my life changed. I like thinking about it but at the same time I have to face reality. There would be so many things I would do differently if my life changed the way I wanted it too. I would move back in with mom and dad and I would be happy. I love spending time with them. I love my parents. I would have more money. Money seems to be a big issue for me. Without it I am very unhappy. I guess this is because my whole life I've always had money to spend on myself and others. Now that I have a gas bill and electric bill, and water/sewage/trash bill, rent, car insurance, car payment, phone bills, well I have no money for myself. No money to spend on myself. This makes me unhappy. Living this way there is no way I'll get caught up with bills. Or so it seems. This brings me to the fact that I have to face that I may have to get a job which honestly I don't mind. It would help me get out of the house and be more socialable with the outside world. And it would bring in extra income. That would be good because then maybe I would have money to spend or at least get caught up on bills. But then that brings me to the fact that I have a family and my money is no longer my money and I can't be selfish and spend my money on myself like I am used to doing. Oh well, this is life and this is what I am faced with. I have been more quiet then I normally am because like I said, I spend my time thinking about what I would do if I was single again. I love Deborah but I don't think I was ready for all this. If I get a divorce I sure as hell am not getting married again and that is for sure. Marriage is not what I thought it was. I see my parents married and happy and they are in love and they are okay with that life. I'm not so sure about myself though. I'm in school and I work for Magazine33 which I love and that occupys my time. I try to act happy and pretend everything is okay with me. Even though its not. I don't know how to change it without hurting people or changing someone else's life and probably not for the better. Oh what a dilema.