Reflections: Getting Help

I never knew I was powerless until recently. I’ve always used drugs. The first time I used drugs I was in either 3rd or 4th grade. I smoked pot. Then at the age of 14 I started using heroin. That is when my heroin addiction started. That led to many other drugs. It seemed none of them were as bad as heroin. I was using heroin and coke regularly. At that age I never thought it was a problem.

I was too young and stupid to realize what a mistake I was making. At the age we're too young to care. I know I was too young to care, I didn't care, nor did I listen to what anyone had to say. I was just having a good time. My parents never even realized I was using drugs. I lost the first girl that I ever loved all because we decided that we wanted to try something new. We just didn't realize that we were going to get addicted. She was just worse off than I was. As I look back on her life, drugs are really the cause of her death, even though that isn't why she died. She shared needles with someone who was HIV Positive, not realizing what he had, not even knowing what she was doing because she was so far gone that night to know whether she was coming or going. I wasn't around so I couldn't stop her. Till this very day I blame myself for her death because I wish I could have been there to stop her. I've come to realize though that it wasn't my fault, and I had to stop blaming myself for her death because I couldn't have stopped her. I could've tried to stop her but when you’re so high that you don't even know who you are, there really is no stopping you. Then as I got older I continued to use even heavier and steadier. I would steal to support my habit. I didn't care who I stole from, or who I hurt. I didn't realize I was powerless until my days in the army. I was smoking and drinking while in the barracks which could have very easily gotten me kicked out, fined, charged and arrested. I realized when I got busted and was given a second chance just how powerless I was. It sucks that it took getting busted to make me realize it but at least something did. It is kind of scary to think about the chances and lives you will and can hurt by being powerless by drugs even if the life you hurt is your own. I know now looking back at all the years I've used just how powerless I was from the start. It hurts knowing all the people I've hurt going through my drug addiction. You wouldn't think that so many people can be affected but I realize that I've hurt everyone from my kids, parents, ex-wife, and in-laws. I remember using with one of my ex girlfriends. We'd fight all the time. We would fight over money because we had none due to the heroin and pot we smoked all the time. We'd have yelling matches and have the cops called on us because we were arguing and she'd be so out of it and not know what she was doing and hit me. It was so bad one time that her and her best friend, being too out of it, started choking me, hitting me, and punching me.

I woke up the next day to look in the mirror and have both of my cheeks bruised, my chin bruised, my lip busted open, and two black eyes. Bad thing is, I don't even remember feeling any pain at all that night. It didn't come until the next morning when I woke up to look in the mirror. Finally I had to leave my ex-girlfriend due to all the fighting and the abuse from our drug usage and drinking. I hadn't used heroin in a lot of yrs but had started back up once again and then I'd quit and I thought this was the last time I was going to use, then I'd go right back to doing it again, that led to the breakup of my fiancée and I. I owe her my life. When her and I had gotten together I was using. It didn't matter what it was. Everything from coke, to heroin, to being so desperate that I was cutting up Hydrocodone and snorting it and not being to breathe that I almost died. She helped me get off all the drugs, and helped me stop drinking. We were happy together and loved each other very much and I wasn't using and things were going perfect but of course at one of my weakest moments, I started using heroin again. It didn't stop there. I started drinking again also. Then one day I just woke up, and nothing was going right, I just wasn't okay. I was at one of my lowest points. I had run out of my medicine and since I wasn't on it, it just made me lose it. I went to school that day, and from the time that I got to school until later that night, I popped pills and drank. I had been drinking and taking other pills the day before. But no one knew. No one could tell that I was high, or that something was wrong. If my mom and dad had realized that I was doing all this then they probably would've gotten me help, or they would've kicked me out of the house. The day that I overdosed, was the day I went to school and popped pills all day long. No one knew what was wrong with me. Everyone thought I was fine. The only person that knew that something was wrong with me was my best friend. She knew something was wrong with me, but she didn't know what. She didn't know how to help me because she didn't know what was wrong with me, and at the time, I wasn't going to tell her.

She kept asking me if I was okay and of course I told her I was. At that time, I thought I was okay. I was in denial. I wasn't admitting to myself that I had a problem because in my mind, I didn't think I had a problem.

I was powerless, and weak. I had let the drugs and alcohol take over my life once again. I lost many friends and loved ones due to me using. I did many things that I regret to this day. And the one person who cares me and would've died and still would die for me to this day is the one person who is hurting the most right now. I'm clean now, and I admit that I was powerless and I still am. But I don't know what to say to her to take her pain away, I don't know what to do to make her see that I truly am sorry for everything I put her through. I still love her to this day, and I'm very thankful that she became a part of my life. I was very lucky to be able to call her mine. She stuck by me then and even after I hurt her badly, she is still sticking by my side even though we are not together. She was my best friend before we started dating, and she's my best friend now even though we're not dating anymore. I wanted to just tell her that I am sorry for all the pain I caused her, all the stress, all the worrying and all the lies. I honestly never meant to hurt anyone. I thought I was okay, when in reality I wasn't okay. But reality hadn't hit me and I am left here today confused and wondering where my life will go. I've messed up my life several times, and done a lot of things that I now regret all because of drugs and my inability to say no. That just goes to show how powerless over drugs I really am. I've suffered a lot because of this addiction and I've tried several times to get over it, I am glad to say though that I have several true friends that have, and are still willing to stick by my side and help me get through this. I can finally say that I'm getting the help I need to stay clean. I have a wonderful woman in my life that is helping me to stay clean and helping me get through all of this. She doesn't try to make it sound all better because we both know it wasn't okay. She doesn't tell me not to tell her about it, because she wants to know, and wants to listen and understand what is going on with me. For once in my life I realize just how bad my habits are and how powerless over them I really am. Looking back I never thought it was that bad, I thought I was okay. I thought I was going to be okay. I had myself convinced that I was perfectly fine and that everything really was okay. But now I see just how bad it really was, and how bad it still is. It’s amazing all the things that I've done just to get high and drunk and all the things I've lost by doing so. It just goes to prove how powerless I really am over the drug and alcohol addiction.