Toothache's are the worst ugh. My.mouth is killing me. I think I have a fever cos my face is hot. I hate having a toothache, its the worst pain at least that I've felt.
Monday, September 30, 2013
30 Sept 2013
I've decided or took a pledge to write a page everyday in October. Who knows maybe it will become a habit. I used to write everyday when I was a kid. But that was before I became an adult & had responsibilities & had way more time on my hands.
So today was a productive day at work. I got a lot accomplished because I took my medicine. When I don't take my medicine I can't focus & don't get a lot accomplished. Tomorrow starts the first day of raising money for Breast Cancer Awareness at work. Even though I've already started collecting money. Tomorrow Stefany is working a midshift & April needs the parking lot powerwashed so she gave me the option of being on register or powerwashing. Normally I would jump at the opportunity to be outside & listen to my music but the competitive side in me says to be on register. So I decided to be on register tomorrow so I can be the first to get donations from customers. Cheryl & I have already started our own cup with donations in it. I don't know how much she has but I have $8 & some change.
Jen worked 3rd shift last night & must have went to her grandparents this morning to use the internet because she texted me telling me the good news. She must have gotten the email she's been waiting for, she got accepted into Liberty University. I'm proud of her, at least she's trying to better her life. She had previously went to Westwood College to study Criminal Justice but I guess that didn't work out because I believe she dropped out. I can understand because I was taking Web Design to get my Bachelor's Degree at the Art Institute Of Pittsburgh & with life being so crazy I ended up dropping out. I'm thinking about going back to school & just transferring my loan, I think that's what Jen is going to do. I'm not sure exactly what I'll study or if I'll go back into Web Design. I was thinking maybe Writing or Business Management. I got accepted into an Art School when I was younger but I was in high school & my parents wanted me to finish that so I never did end up going to Art School. That kinda killed it for me right there, I haven't drawn since really. I don't blame my parents for wanting me to finish high school but that kinda killed my dream of that. I'm glad I did finish school because these days a lot of people don't have high school diplomas. You'd be surprised how many people are getting their GED's these days. I think that's just an easy way out though but at the same time its not so easy from what I hear. I don't think I'd be able to pass the test. I have ADHD & I've never been good at tests at all. History now though was one of my best subjects in school. My dad is a huge history buff with a love for Confederate History & the Civil War. Whenever that came up I always knew the answers. Dad used to take me & my sister to all the Civil War Battlefields. At the time it probably didn't seem like fun but it was & I had a good time learning about it & it always helped me in History Classes because I knew all about it. I mean how many kids can say they have been to every Civil War Battlefield? I bet not many, besides I've never been one for large crowds really. So not getting to go to Kings Dominion wouldn't have bothered me. However as a kid we did go to Kings Dominion but I prefered Bush Gardens because there was more history to learn there. We went to Bush Gardens a lot as a kid & I lived every moment of it. My favorite part of Bush Gardens is the Germany part. My dad was born in Ulm, Germany so its fascinating learning more about it.
My quest to learn more about Germany comes from my Dad. My Dad was born in Ulm, Germany to Georg & Margarete Kirchner in 1948. I believe it was a couple years after he was born that he was adopted, I think he was 2. When he was adopted he hadn't started speaking yet so he never learned German. He was adopted by Allen & Irene Bean in Ulm, Germany. My Grandpa Bean was in the Army & stationed over there.
Sunday, September 29, 2013
Wasted My Life With You
Oh I just wanna go back
Hold on to the way that I was
'Cos you took away all my young life
And I hate who I've become
I hate all those years I wasted
Wasted with you
So many opportunities I had then
I hate you for how you treated me
I hate you for using me
I hate you for using my family
I hate all the years I wasted with you
You took so many years from me
All the things I could've done
The world I could've seen
I hate I wasted my life with you
My Schizophrenic Mind
Sometimes I feel like I'm out of my mind
Or maybe its the feeling that I'm losing my mind
Sometimes I feel like my head is going to explode
I can't take the thoughts anymore
I take a deep breath
And tell myself its going to be okay
The thoughts consume me
As I can't take it anymore
Are they even thoughts?
Or is my mind playing tricks on me?
Sometimes I can't stop thinking
Then I make myself even more paranoid
I hate being a Paranoid Schizophrenic
I try not to let it take me over
Or consume me & who I am
But that is who I am
That is who I'll always be
But I suppose I am okay with that
I should take pride in who I am
Which isn't so bad I guess
It seems like I create scenarios in my head
And then I start to believe them
Is she cheating?
Yes she is, well maybe not
What if this happened?
It did happen or didn't it?
Everyone is staring at me
Or are they?
A Quote From Me
"Nobody but me is gonna change my story, sometimes you have to be tough to make it through this life but I've always been tough, I had to be". -Bean
My Poetry: "Lingering"
"Lingering"
By Angela D. Bean
You linger
standing there
in dispair
waiting for your thoughts
to sort themselves out
but its like a cloud
you run and shout
then drop to your knees
because high above the seas
you see the stars
there is a twinkle above
you think maybe its a shooting star
but you thought the fairies were all gone
maybe they're gently singing their song
a fairy flies through the sky
trying to give you a signal
that she is there
Fate hasn't forgotten you
and fate isn't going to bring you anything bad
fate is giving you what destiny is going to deal you
You got to go through the deck of cards
waiting for an unexpected hand
The haunted memory may haunt you
but that is why I am here
Your best friend
to take my sword
and cut down those memories
that pain you so much
I will take your hand best friend
and run with you
and we can run for shelter too
it seems the past is coming back to haunt me too
and I need somewhere to deck
So we shall run from the memories that haunt us
they haunt us so
in our dreams
in our thoughts
but we are about to escape them all
We can do it together
My Poetry: "Why"
Why
By: Angela D. Bean
Why is that we hear
the sounds of silence
ringing so loudly in our ears
Why is that we cannot be
who we want to be
Why is that the person we always wanted to be
is the person that we have not become
Why do I get myself into situations
that seems that I cannot get out of
I try so hard
but I lack the will power to say no
And the power to tell the people
not to walk all over me
like I am a doormat
for their disgusting feet
Why do I let this happen?
My Poetry: "Lost"
"Lost" by Angela D. Bean
Written: 28 August 2006
Sittin here
don't now what to say
my words will flow
one day
I've lost the words
I've been longing to say
lost my place
in this world
I gotta find
what I'm looking for
Let this rhythm flow
just let loose
let it go
One day
you will come to my show
and hear
what I've been tryin to say for years
I lost my place here
so I moved away
doing better now
And its just another day
but I'm still lost
My Poetry: I Can Now See
"I Can Now See" by Angela D. Bean
Grew up
seen a lot of shit
writing is all I got
nothing will make me stop
One hit, two hits
and I will drop
so I decided to stop
I don't want to live my life like that
I gotta get my head back
this shit is wack
Say it again, then I take it back
I don't want to live that life again
Everyday I would sin
everyday I felt like I was closer to death
Like I was taking my last breath
One shoot of the needle
And I felt like I could fly
And I never knew why
But now I know, cos I was about to die
So I'm living my life now
And I'm erasing my past
I can now see
Fall Has Come
Rocking back and forth in the rocking chair
On this Fall day in the sun
Listening to the trees blow in the wind
As the leaves rustle
Sounds in the distance
Cars and crickets can be heard chirping
Dogs bark at each other
As if they are talking to one another
Waiting for our computer’s to defrag
So they’ll run faster
Our stomachs are talking
As we’re getting hungry waiting for my mom
A gunshot can be heard on the mountain
As hunting season has began
The sun will soon go down
And nightfall will be upon us
The stars will come out
And the cool air will hit our faces
28 September 2013
This morning I went into work. I had my morning coffee & sausage biscuits as usual then took my medicine. I finished what I had to do then off to Mom & Dad’s I went. I've been here since then. I spent some time with Mom but then she left with my sister to go to Harrisonburg. They’re still gone & we’re waiting on them to come home & bring us food. After Mom left Dad & I watched the Tennessee game, they won. I've spent the day writing poetry & updating my website.
Have to go home soon but not really wanting to. I miss my dogs & I know they miss me. I've been waiting for mom to get back cos she’ll bring me & dad something to eat. But I’ll be leaving soon before it gets dark so it looks like I won’t be eating dinner. Oh well it will be okay. I could stand to lose a few a pounds anyway. Dad & I watched the Tennessee game, they won, we were happy about the outcome of the game. I updated my website finally. Man I can’t wait to get Internet back at my house. I can’t stand being disconnected from the world, I feel like I’m missing out on something. I’m procrastinating about going home. I have a ton of laundry to do & the dryer squeaks so I can’t put in very many clothes so I've been putting that off. I need to tidy up my house but I haven’t done that yet. Its hard when I’m the only one doing anything around the house. They say a relationship is supposed to be equal but sometimes its not & that’s unfair to the person doing it all which is me.
Ugh I hate having anxiety. I have stuff to do at home but I’m dreading doing it. Since my internet & cable got cut off I haven’t wanted to be at home much. I’m there on days I work but on my days off I’m gone. I need to get my internet back. I think its making my anxiety act up. Or it could be a ton of other things going on in my life.
Well its dark now & I’m home finally. I have a ton of laundry to do & I’m dreading it. If there wasn't so much to be done I wouldn't mind. Bella & Cinder were happy to see me & I was happy to see them. Jen’s at work, she works a lot at night & in the evenings. When she is home she’s sleeping so I don’t see her much. I work daylight only now since I've become Assistant Manager. I love working daylight because then I have the whole rest of the evening to do whatever, like laundry & clean the house.
I’m glad to see my dogs. I brought some food home for them & they enjoyed it. Now we’re laying on the couch relaxing. Housework will have to wait until tomorrow. My anxiety is bothering me & cleaning the house won’t help, it’ll make it worse. Karen told me today that she was going to start writing again, apparently I inspired her the other day to write again. I was hoping she’d start writing again. We used to write as kids. We’d write stories and poems. We used to play radio station, we’d record songs off the radio & then be the dj’s & talk on the tape. Yeah that was back when there was cassette tapes still. Cd's came out shortly after that. Those were the good times, no responsibility or paying bills. Sometimes I wish I could start over & do it all over again. But that’s not the way life is meant to be.
Saturday, September 28, 2013
The Past
Some things in my past I would prefer not to remember. In fact I've been able to block out most of the bad memories. I was just reading old blogs & remembered when my friend Heather died. She died in a car accident. She was sitting on Interstate 81 near Winchester headed South back home. She had picked up her son Zack & his roommate from college at West Virginia University. They were sitting in traffic stopped on the interstate due to construction. There was a PT Cruiser in front of her. A tractor trailer driver who wasn't paying attention & was probably texting & driving slammed into her vehicle sending her spinning into the PT Cruiser. When both vehicles stopped spinning the passenger in the PT Cruiser got out to go help Heather escape from her vehicle. Heather managed to unbuckle Zack's seatbelt & the man busted Zack's window. Heather was trapped & so was Zack's roommate in the back seat. Heather's Jeep burst into flames & there wasn't time to get them out before the Jeep exploded. The people around tried to get them out but it was too late. Heather & Zack's roommate burned alive in the Jeep. Don't you know the Tracor Trailer Driver was never charged with the murders, never charged with anything even though he had prior Traffic Convictions. It was his fault, he wasn't paying attention & took 2 innocent lives. Zack is without a mother & a best friend now. After that he didn't want to go back to school but you really can't blame him. But Heather would have wanted him to finish. She busted her butt to send him to college working overtime at work. Heather was cremated & they didn't have a funeral. Zack didn't want a funeral & Marylou & Wayne didn't argue with him. The family took it real hard & so did everyone else. Heather was a very likeable person, if you met her you'd instantly like her. She didn't care what people thought, she formed her own opinion. She was my friend & my Manager at the Kangaroo Express Gas Station. When I first started working there it was called Etna & Heather's mom Mary Lou worked though. Things changed after it became Kangaroo Express, a corporate owned company. Mary Lou quit after that but I'm not sure what the exact reason was. I feel they treated her wrong though and that's why she quit. While I was working at Kangaroo Express I was also working Full Time at Alcoa & Heather's brother Shawn worked there also. That's how I met Heather through her brother & mother. And then I met her sister Melissa. Melissa reminds me a lot of Heather but they are also different in ways, not a bad thing though. Melissa & I are still friends to this day & I'm glad because she's great person. She sure knows how to cheer me up & brighten my days. I'm glad I still have Melissa, there is no one one else like a Santor. They are kind hearted, funny people who will do anything for you. So Heather was working Full Time at Best Buy & she came to work at Kangaroo. I remember her becoming Manager of the Staunton store but she got screwed & got sent to the Charlottesville store as Manager. I transfered to the Charlottesville store & that's where our friendship started. Heather was a funny person, she could always make you laugh or put a smile a smile on your face. I stopped working at the Kangaroo because I joined the Army. I had worked with company for 3 & a half years. Heather & I stayed in touch over the years & we even hung out a few times. One thing I regret though is not staying in touch as often. If only I could talk to Heather one more time or spend one more day with her. I miss Heather still, I can't remember how long its been since she's been gone but I miss her. I still have dreams about her & that night. She'll always be in my thoughts & in my heart.
Decided to update
Its been awhile since I've updated my blog. I have started writing a lot more. I started writing poetry again. I started a Tumblr account but i'd rather I'd write on here. Its more private because no one reads my stuff anyways. Well, nobody probably reads my Tumblr Blog either but everyone seems to have a Tumblr these days. I finished reading a book The Forbidden Room, it was a great book with so many twists & turns.
I haven't written in here in a long time. Alot has happened since I last blogged. I got promoted to Assistant Manager at work. Jen & I moved to Verona in a nice 3 bedroom house. I work daylight now which I love much better then those other crazy shifts.
Kaylee is 4 now, she's growing up so fast. She should be going to Kindergarden next year I believe. I'm glad she'll be attending Stuarts Draft Elementary, that's where Donica & I went. Of course we went.to the old SD Elementary School.
Still haven't gotten divorced but I look forward to that day when it comes. I'm ready to be done & over with marriage. Don't ever want to make that mistake again.
Been Awhile
Its been awhile since I've been on here. I plan on updating my blogs regularly since I haven't been doing so. I've been working on my Website most of the day, haven't kept up with that either. I've been behind but I plan on keeping up but there's just so much to do & it seems like so little time to do it.