I sit here and think and wonder. Why I can't seem to ever do anything right. I feel like I'm not good enough for Sara. I feel like I stick my foot in my mouth all the time and say the wrong things. What are the right things to say? Is there such thing as the right things to say to her? How can I make her happy? How can I make her not mad at me when I say things? What am I saying that seem to be the wrong things to say to her? This I cannot answer. I'm not a smart person and I do not claim to be. I'd like to think I've become somewhat more of an intellectual person. I used to try to act stupid that way people who laugh at me. Because if they were laughing at me I felt like they thought I was funny. When in reality they were laughing at me because they thought I was stupid. Things are weird and the way we feel is weird sometimes. I guess all I've ever want was to be liked by people. I've been trying for years to have people like me. Yet some just don't like me. I don't know why this is and I do not know how I can change that. I wonder sometimes if I seem fake to people. I do not try to act fake. I try to act like myself. This is who I am. I'm emo. I can't help it. Before I came out of the closet I wasn't exactly what you would call emo. At least, it wasn't shown to people. I kept it all bottled inside. I never told anyone how I felt. I kept the way I felt bottled up inside and written down in my diary that I had. But all in all. This is me. This is the real me. The is who I am. I can't help who I am. Anyways. To my Subject of this blog. "I Just Can't Seem To Do Anything Right" I feel sometimes that I am not good enough for Sara. And I also feel that she could do much better than me. I feel that I am not very good in a relationship. Maybe I'm just not cut out for relationships. I don't know. I do know that I love Sara with all of my heart and soul. I would be lost without her. She means everything to me. I've made my decision. All I want out of life now is to be able to spend the rest of my life with her. I want to be able to start a family with her. Even though the subject of us having kids is a touchy one, I still feel like we can do it. We can do anything we put our minds to, we can do it together. I feel that our love is strong enough and that we can do it. I love her so much and I couldn't be anymore happier if she would spend the rest of her life with me. I asked her to marry me. I'd been asking her this on and on again. She always said, "I'm not getting married." Well I asked her this again the other day. She told me yes this time. I was so happy and got the biggest grin on my face. She makes me so fucking happy and she simply doesn't realize this. I love her with all I have in me. I wish she could see how happy she makes me. Maybe I just don't show her how happy she makes me. And if that is the case. I need to try a lot fucking harder at that. I know she will read this because she is the only one who is set to read this and, if she does read this I want her to know how much I love her. It hurts me when she talks about killing herself, or that she just wishes she would die. And the reason it hurts me, which this she doesn't know, but, if she died, I would die. I couldn't quite possibly live myself. When you are with someone and you fall in love, you two become one. Two bodies, one soul. I feel like we are soulmates and that fate brought us together. Many may say I am just a fool. But this is what I believe. I love her very much and I will be damned if I let anyone hurt her or make her feel bad. Yes, I wrote some of the things that upset me in my journal tonight. I let her read it. She got a smile on her face. I hope she realizes how much I truely love her and how I would be incomplete without her. Anyways, I'm tired of typing and I don't know what else to say. I suppose I shall end this now and let her read this.

Sara, if you read this, just know how I am truely sorry if I have ever hurt you or if I have ever upset you. I have never meant to cause you pain, suffering or any harm. I love you with all of my heart and soul. I believe that you and I are meant to be together. So please babydoll, don't EVER for a second think that I will leave you for someone else. I need to do some changing in my life. Changing for the better. Without you I would be a complete wreck. You are the most positive thing in my life. Look how you helped me get off drugs and alcohol. Without your support I would have never been able to do that and I thank you so much. I want you to know that you are appreciated by me, and loved by me and that will never change. Baby I don't ever want to think about us not being together because I want to spend the rest of my life with you. The thought of losing you just completely kills me and tears me apart.

Lots of Love & Peace,
Homie G