My Realization

I realized going completely mad isn't the way to handle things. I went that route yesterday & well I didn't like who I was & how I handle things. I handled things the wrong way. And I scared the ones I love. Not cool but, I wasn't thinking clearly. 

Anyways, I realized that it's better to just calm down, breathe & relax. So that's why I woke up this morning with a clear head & changed my perspective on everything. 

Life is what you make it & I am going to make my life great. In fact, I just talked to a friend of mine who said she could get me a job starting at $9/hr which isn't bad. I'm excited, cos I really need a job. And even though my bills haven't gotten behind yet without a job they will. Plus, having a job will get me out of the house & I won't feel like I'm having cabin fever. 

Thinking

Sometimes thinking isn't such a bad thing. Just to sit there & reflect on your life by yourself with your thoughts. It's okay, sometimes you just need to be alone & shut the world out. 

I've been doing a LOT of thinking lately. This past week hasn't been such a good week for me, however because I tend to overthink things & that's always a bad thing. However, I woke up this morning & decided since it is a new day that I would change my outlook on life & change my mindset. I decided that I would apologize to those who I've hurt. 

I've been pretty quiet on Facebook today & anyone who knows me well knows that's not me. I am always blowing everyone's newsfeed up. I have been in a writing mood today so I've been writing a lot today & also the reason for the absence on Facebook is because I realized not EVERYTHING needs to go on Facebook & I don't always have to be on there. Also, there are some things that I actually DO keep to myself. That is because I'm just not ready to tell anyone those things. So yeah, decided I would take a little break from Facebook.

So I've been doing a lot of thinking today which is not a bad thing. I woke up with a different perspective on life & a clear mind. I'm a changed person, I'm making a brand new start in life. Mind you, I'm not giving up hope for my future because I know my life is in God's hands & he will lead me down the right path that I am meant to follow.

I came to the realization last night after I had a Bipolar Episode & carved Vickie's name into my arm with a knife that I needed to change & like right now. I was going back to the person I used to be & that person was unhappy all the time. Not someone I exactly wanted to be or liked. I don't want that for my life, not at all. I want to be happy, I CHOOSE to be happy.

I was going to sleep in this morning but of course, my biological alarm clock woke me up at 4am so I got up out of bed & made coffee & started thinking which led me to start writing & that's what I've been doing ever since. 

I decided this morning to change who I am, to change for the better. I decided that since today is a new day & I have a chance to make a fresh start that's what I was going to do. And so far, it's been a pretty good day. Sometimes, like today, I just need to be alone to gather my thoughts & im glad I did, for my sake. 

Today is Halloween & my best friend Karen is coming over after work & we're going to get dressed up & hand out candy that I bought. I haven't celebrated Halloween in many years so this will be quite a change, a good day it will be. And so I hope anyone who is reading this, I hope y'all have a wonderful day & a great Halloween & be safe & have fun. 

A letter to my love

You are my present and my future. Nobody else even comes close. Without you in my life, I would rather die. I would never give up on you or us.

Because I love you too much. The day we met was the day my whole life changed forever. It was so unexpected but so fateful. 

I'd be crazy to just throw it all away! I like who I get to be while I'm with you. A guy completely in love who doesn't care about anything or anyone else.

You complete me! The best love is the kind that awakens the soul; that makes us reach for more, that plants the fire in our hearts and brings peace to our minds. That's what I hope to give you forever. 

An Apology Letter To My Love

Where I do I begin. I guess from the start. I know it doesn't seem that way but I never meant to hurt you never meant for things to go the way they did. I only wanted someone who understood the lack of... Everything... Inside me. 

Someone who was broken someone I could relate to. 

You wore me down and broke me down and made me weak for you. That's not a complaint. I never meant to fall for you. It was so long since I felt that feeling, the connection. It was amazing.

You know, you're the only person who consumed me like that. It was like being a real person and having a reason to be happy. Not just a responsibility or an appearance to seem normal. It was the truest thing I've ever felt. 

I can't change what I did, and I can't fix what's broken. I'd like to say I'd go back and change it all. I'd go back and make sure it never happened. Make sure you never experienced the destruction that I caused and the heart ache.

You're too perfect to have ever been put through any of that. I know the last thing I said to you wasn't what either of us wanted. 

All I can say is that when this life is all said and done, as I'm laying on my death bed pondering my final thoughts, they'll be why did I ever let the purest, most perfect thing in my life get away. 

Just please know you made me happy and thoughts and memories of our time will haunt me, as I'll never have them again. I'll never feel accepted, understood, unconditionally loved, wanted, and needed . 

I'm sorry. I'm sorry that I'm the creature that I am. I'm sorry for everything that happened between us, with us. We'll always have cannonballs and fireflies.

My journey begins

I'm starting a new chapter in my life today. I woke up this morning with a clear head & it's a new day which means a fresh start. 

I decided starting today I would apologize to those I've hurt in my past. So if you are one of those people, I'm sorry for hurting you & if I could take it back I would. I didn't intentionally hurt you. I am not one to intentionally hurt people, that's not who I am but we all do things that we regret later in life. 

Everyday you can start over. Each day is a new day to make a fresh start. Life is what you make it, you see if you choose to be miserable, you'll live a miserable life. But if you choose to be happy, you'll live a happy life. 

What do you choose? I choose to be happy. Life is short & I don't want to spend the rest of my life being miserable. I want to live life to the fullest & love with all my heart & take on all life has to offer me. 

I know I've made mistakes in my life that I regret to this day but, I don't want to continue making mistakes & having regrets. So starting today, I will live my life in a way that when I die I can actually say I had a good life. I don't want to look back on my life & say I should have done this or that.

So things are going to change starting today. I am a new person & my eyes have been opened to a whole new world. Life is good. I thank God everyday that I wake up alive. Others in this world have it much worse than I do, so I am grateful for all I have & all I've been given in this life.

As I start this new chapter in my life & begin walking down the path that God has chosen for me I will trust in the Lord & have faith in him. I will trust in him to lead me in the direction that I'm supposed to go. God has a plan for my life & I just have to trust in him. 

Where will life take me?

You know, I always wonder what life has in store for me. I have decided to let God take control & lead me in the right direction. God knows what's best for me. And I trust in him.

In the past couple weeks I have been doing a lot of soul searching, some heavy thinking. I've been thinking about my life & how I've lived it so far. I have made a lot of mistakes & have a lot of regrets but I have decided to start living life with no regrets. 

Life is short but sweet & I intend to make the rest of my life the best of my life. You can't live your life holding onto the past. What is done is done & you must move forward with your life. You have to pick yourself up and the pieces of your broken heart & move forward. It's hard to move on from the one you love but you have to sometimes in life because they have already moved on without you. 

New Journey

I am about to embark on a new journey, a scary one in fact. Life is scary anyway. I know God has my back & is watching over me. From this point on, I'm letting Jesus take the wheel. I have a different perspective on life now. I have in the past couple weeks come to realize that life is short & I must live it to the fullest & live it with no regrets. 

Sometimes in life we must move on even as hard as that may seem. It's a struggle, a battle we fight within to move on & do what's best for us but it's what we must do.

We have to take care of ourselves & do what's best for us. Self love is what it's all about. If you don't love yourself, you can't love anyone else.

I decided I am going to let those who I have hurt know that I'm sorry for what I have done & I apologize. Hurting them was not my intention at all. I'm not one whose out to hurt others, that's not who I am. Whether they decide to forgive me or not is up to them. So for all those who I've hurt in the past, I'm sorry & I hope you can find it in your heart to forgive me. 

Remember, live life with no regrets. Life is short, shorter than you may think. We don't know when our time on earth will end. Live life to the fullest, laugh a lot, share memories with those you love, hug your loved ones tight, always say sorry when you hurt someone & work hard on getting all you want out of life.

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