Saturday, November 22, 2008
Sunday, October 26, 2008
How to take & edit screenshots
There are many ways to edit screenshots but only one way to take a screenshot that i know of. To take a screenshot you have to hit the print screen button. To edit your screenshot I suggest you use Microsoft Paint. You can use Microsoft Word but Paint allows you to edit your screenshot better. Always make sure you line up your screenshot so you never have any layovers.
Saturday, October 25, 2008
How can you tell a pitbull is a pitbull?
I read an article recently that asked how can you tell a pitbull is a pitbull. The writer clearly was under the impression that you couldn't tell a pitbull was actually a pitbull. This is where I would beg to differ. I have been a pitbull owner since 2001. I have been around many pitbulls in my life. There are so many ways you can tell a pitbull really is a pitbull. My pitbull's name is Zeus. Zeus is a brown pitbull with some white markings on him, he has brown eyes and his ears are cropped. I got Zeus from my sister who couldn't take care of him after getting married. Her husband was scared of Zeus. My sister Donica and her ex boyfriend Robbie got Zeus from some guy in Harrisonburg thwt they met. Zeus was a puppy when they got him and his ears were already cropped. Yes I've heard getting a pitbull's ears cropped can hurt them, though I'm not sure how true that is. Zeus is a big dog. He weighs about 80 to 85 pounds. He is very strong. One way you can tell Zeus is a pitbull is by his ears. Many pitbulls I've seen have had their ears cropped. Owners get their pitbulls ears cropped to make them look more tough. However I'm not sure how tough and scary Zeus looks. He'sxreally a big baby who's very lovable. Another way to tell Zeus is a pitbull is by looking at his eyes. I don't care what anyone says but that is one way you can tell a pitbull is a pitbull. Eveytime someone introduces me to their dog and I think it looks like a pitbull I always look at the eyes first. For some reason there is just some way that you can tell a pitbull by his eyes. I'm not quite sure what it is but all pitbull's seem to have similar eyes. Another way I know a pitbull is a pitbull is by looking at the body. All pitbull's have a very muscular body. They seem to be buff. There are many ways thay you can tell a pitbull is a pitbull so I will disagree with anyone who says that you cannot tell a pitbull is a pitbull.
Monday, October 6, 2008
depression
I am not happy all the time
Sometimes I feel I’ll never find happiness within myself
I live with pain, hurt, loneliness
Every day is a struggle
A struggle to survive
A battle I’m fighting within
Every breath is a fight for survival
As I gasp and slowly come up for air
I have a deep understanding of depression
Ive lived with it all my life
I take a puff of my cigarette
Depression too often
Walks hand in hand with a deep sense of helplessness
I feel the evils and hurt found within our society
Lost friendships, lost loves
The way we see ourselves is often colored by alter of our depression
But no matter how badly it seems to hurt
Someone somewhere has felt it too!
Sometimes I feel I’ll never find happiness within myself
I live with pain, hurt, loneliness
Every day is a struggle
A struggle to survive
A battle I’m fighting within
Every breath is a fight for survival
As I gasp and slowly come up for air
I have a deep understanding of depression
Ive lived with it all my life
I take a puff of my cigarette
Depression too often
Walks hand in hand with a deep sense of helplessness
I feel the evils and hurt found within our society
Lost friendships, lost loves
The way we see ourselves is often colored by alter of our depression
But no matter how badly it seems to hurt
Someone somewhere has felt it too!
dear sara
Dear Sara my babydoll,
It has been a long year. It seems really that we have been together longer. Longer then a year that is. I feel as if i have known you forever. And I like that feeling. The feeling of being able to wake up and know that there is someone out there that loves me as much as i love them and to know that i have someone in my life that makes me happy. Our love has proven to be true even through the worst of times. Every single day that passes, I thank God for you. I love you more than you could ever imagine. Baby, you mean the universe to me and I want to be with you for all time. Together we can do anything. Our love is what keeps a smile on my face, knowing that you care and will always be there. I can’t imagine where I would be right now without you. I love you! Just remember, please don’t go to bed mad if we have had a fight because you never know what tomorrow will bring. While lying in bed last night and thinking about the times we’ve spent together, I still wonder if I’m dreaming this magical life with you. Being in love with you brings joy into my life again, when I thought I couldn’t feel this way about anyone, anymore. I am just thankful that you’re in my life. The road for us is still long and wide and very, very difficult, but remember I will always be by your side to support you, no matter what. I am only truly happy when I am with you. Your presence just lights up my world. Everything I am and everything I have is dependant upon you. I am sorry for the way I have mistreated you in the past and I know you are sorry for mistreating me. We can be happy together if we work everything out, which I think we will. You are everything to me and I love you with all my heart. I hope I can learn to open up to you and let you know how I feel. I also hope that you will be able to recognize when something is wrong. But no matter what we do or where we go, I will love you. I will always love you, Baby. You mean the world to me, and I hope that things will go back to normal. I understand that we have not been together for very long, but I want to express to you the love that I feel. My life has been a hellish nightmare, one that haunts and never leaves me to peace. The day that I realized that I loved you, my bad dreams ceased. What I feel for you is that awesome love that poets write about and that we mere mortals only dream of experiencing. It is the love that is considered unconditional and undying; so great that my heart seems to burst with the joy of it. I cannot fathom living my life without you - waking would never be the same without your sweet face to look forward to; I would not be living, just existing; sleeping would be impossible without you to dream of. You have made my life worth every moment, every breath. I know that we are young, and as such are thought not to feel such intense emotions, but what I feel is true and blinding in it’s power. You have swept me away and proved to me that magic exists - in you. You have overcome many obstacles within your life which have made you the wonderful person you are today. You should be very proud that you have persevered all your experiences and with it you have lived, acknowledged, and learned and you have never intentionally done on to others as it has been done unto you for you know what it feels like and you have the strength to rise above it all. You are attractive, generous, honest, humorous, intelligent, kind, loveable, loving, and passionate. What words can describe the sweetest, most beautiful part of my life? You are my certainty, my comfort and hope, without you I would be lost. I know we have our ups and downs but if you’ll let me, I want to make you feel how you deserve, like a queen, like a goddess. Each day I hope I can give just a little of what bliss you give me. I want to give you just a little of the happiness that you give me. I love you so much Sara and I really don’t know what i would do without you. Even though we may argue sometimes and we get upset sometimes at each other just remember that I love you very much and that I will do anything for you. I will do anything to make you happy. I will do anything to fight for you. It tears me apart to see you upset, and crying and hurting inside. I feel like we are connected into one soul. When you hurt, i hurt. When you are sad, i’m sad. When you cry, I feel like crying. There are so many reasons for me to love you. I love the way you find humor in the darkest of clouds. I Love the way you make me smile. I love to feel your strong arms when they hold me tight. I love the way you accept me for who I am. I admire your inner strength. I could list reasons from here to eternity, but I will not. We are in the darkest days of our lives. I have made mistakes as have you. However, it is during this time, at our weakest, we can also be our strongest. For we have our love and if we remember that love, draw on that love, we can get through this and truly be one. Depression is not fun, I hate that you are depressed. I hate that you are sad. Sometimes I wish that I could take away all your saddness, all your hurt, all your pain and put it inside of me that way you can just live at least one day without any of it. Let’s work together, trust each other, honor each other, respect each other, be faithful in our love for each other and we can conquer all that life throws our way. I love you so much it makes me cry. I love you so much, without you I feel I would die. I know that we can make it through this together. I know you have the strength and courage deep down inside of you to do it. And I know that I also do too. I know you have the confidence also, you just have to look deep down inside yourself and pull it out. I know it may take awhile, and I’m not asking you to do this in one day, it takes time. And baby I have all the time in the world but i dont want you to feel like this for the rest of your life. I don’t want you to hurt like that. I remember the first time we said "I Love You." Do you remember? I know my memory is all fucked up, but if i recall you were sitting in your car in the Kroger’s parking lot and you told me you loved me. Did you mean you loved me as a friend or you loved me more then that? I don’t know and I don’t care, the fact that you told me that you loved me meant so very much to me. And then I fell in love with you. I haven’t been the same but I mean that in a good way. From the moment you told me you love me, my life had changed - for the better. I know that lately we have had a lot of external distractions and that those have placed a lot of strain on our relationship. But I have faith that things are going to get better because our love is strong enough that we can make it through this. Yes, we fight and argue but all couples go through this, or more, but through better or worse. Things are hard right now, and they seem to just be a big blurry mess. And the thought of losing you kills me inside. When I think about losing you I just want to die inside. Thank you for loving me no way any one has ever tried. Thank you for knowing all the little things that means so much to me. Thank you for understanding that you and I need to take time together for fun, making love, talking and just spending time together. For everything you are, and mean to me, and everything I am becoming because you are in my life ... thank you..... I want to say you’re beautiful to me, on the inside and out. Even though you don’t think your beautiful, I think your beautiful. I fell for you the moment I saw you. It was love at first sight. We have something special, something I almost messed up once, but would never mess up again. What we have is special; many wish to have what we have. Baby, listen, I couldn’t stop thinking about you and I figured I would just write you this letter and tell you how I truely feel about you, this took a lot of emotions to put this into words. I love you; I love you so much that I can do and give up everything just for you. I can accept everything because I really love you, God knows, words are not enough to describe how much I love you so, but then it doesn’t mean that because I love you that much I’m goin’ to be possessive or whatever. The love I have for you is the kind of love that doesn’t expect or ask for anything in return. I’m not trying to force, or expect you to love me the way I love you; I am not expecting that you will love me with same intensity. You, being there at my side, knowing that you care for me, and hearing you whispering "I love you..." are more than enough, and they mean the world to me. I wish I could show you and make you look deep into my eyes to show you what’s really there. To show you how much I truely love you babydoll. Why can’t you realize we are a match made in Heaven? Maybe one day you will realize this. I hope so. We’re lovers; we’re friends; we’re two love birds, and we’re soul mates. You and I, under the moonlight, together until the stars don’t shine any more. I know that I don’t talk to you like you want me to, but I hope you realize that I am much better at expressing myself in words, letters, poems, and songs. And that is one reason I am writing you this letter babydoll. I know times have been rough and things have been said but I hope deep down you know how much you truly mean to me. It’s hard not having you around and things in my life have been stressful and I’ve taken my bad days out on you, but please know that you mean the world to me and I love you with every beat of my heart. I squeeze my rhino at night wishing you were there to hold me and kiss me goodnight. Please have faith in us that we can make it through anything. Our love, such a strong love, will help guide us through and give us the strength that we need to make it through these rough times. When I first started hanging out with you I had no idea that we would end up like this. I knew that when hung out for the first time and I looked into your eyes that you were the one for me. The one I was put on this earth for. You are my soul mate! I was hoping and praying that you had even the tiniest bit of the same feelings as I did. When you told me that you loved me I was beside myself with joy. I want to spend the rest of my life with you. I hope that you are having sweet dreams right now and that you are smiling in your sleep. I miss you very much and I know when you read this that you will think that I should be sleeping but I’m thinking about you and I can’t sleep but that isn’t a bad thing. I love you so much Sara. I hope you read this. That is why I am posting it as a blog. No one else is going to see this letter that I have wrote you except for Walter and Joey and of course you. I want to share my love for you with my best friend. And well, Joey don’t really read blogs anyway I’m sure. I just wanted you to know how much I truely love you. I am much better at expressing myself through letters and words. I hope this was good enough. I love you so much Sara. Have a good day at work tomorrow baby.
Love always,
angela, your homie g
It has been a long year. It seems really that we have been together longer. Longer then a year that is. I feel as if i have known you forever. And I like that feeling. The feeling of being able to wake up and know that there is someone out there that loves me as much as i love them and to know that i have someone in my life that makes me happy. Our love has proven to be true even through the worst of times. Every single day that passes, I thank God for you. I love you more than you could ever imagine. Baby, you mean the universe to me and I want to be with you for all time. Together we can do anything. Our love is what keeps a smile on my face, knowing that you care and will always be there. I can’t imagine where I would be right now without you. I love you! Just remember, please don’t go to bed mad if we have had a fight because you never know what tomorrow will bring. While lying in bed last night and thinking about the times we’ve spent together, I still wonder if I’m dreaming this magical life with you. Being in love with you brings joy into my life again, when I thought I couldn’t feel this way about anyone, anymore. I am just thankful that you’re in my life. The road for us is still long and wide and very, very difficult, but remember I will always be by your side to support you, no matter what. I am only truly happy when I am with you. Your presence just lights up my world. Everything I am and everything I have is dependant upon you. I am sorry for the way I have mistreated you in the past and I know you are sorry for mistreating me. We can be happy together if we work everything out, which I think we will. You are everything to me and I love you with all my heart. I hope I can learn to open up to you and let you know how I feel. I also hope that you will be able to recognize when something is wrong. But no matter what we do or where we go, I will love you. I will always love you, Baby. You mean the world to me, and I hope that things will go back to normal. I understand that we have not been together for very long, but I want to express to you the love that I feel. My life has been a hellish nightmare, one that haunts and never leaves me to peace. The day that I realized that I loved you, my bad dreams ceased. What I feel for you is that awesome love that poets write about and that we mere mortals only dream of experiencing. It is the love that is considered unconditional and undying; so great that my heart seems to burst with the joy of it. I cannot fathom living my life without you - waking would never be the same without your sweet face to look forward to; I would not be living, just existing; sleeping would be impossible without you to dream of. You have made my life worth every moment, every breath. I know that we are young, and as such are thought not to feel such intense emotions, but what I feel is true and blinding in it’s power. You have swept me away and proved to me that magic exists - in you. You have overcome many obstacles within your life which have made you the wonderful person you are today. You should be very proud that you have persevered all your experiences and with it you have lived, acknowledged, and learned and you have never intentionally done on to others as it has been done unto you for you know what it feels like and you have the strength to rise above it all. You are attractive, generous, honest, humorous, intelligent, kind, loveable, loving, and passionate. What words can describe the sweetest, most beautiful part of my life? You are my certainty, my comfort and hope, without you I would be lost. I know we have our ups and downs but if you’ll let me, I want to make you feel how you deserve, like a queen, like a goddess. Each day I hope I can give just a little of what bliss you give me. I want to give you just a little of the happiness that you give me. I love you so much Sara and I really don’t know what i would do without you. Even though we may argue sometimes and we get upset sometimes at each other just remember that I love you very much and that I will do anything for you. I will do anything to make you happy. I will do anything to fight for you. It tears me apart to see you upset, and crying and hurting inside. I feel like we are connected into one soul. When you hurt, i hurt. When you are sad, i’m sad. When you cry, I feel like crying. There are so many reasons for me to love you. I love the way you find humor in the darkest of clouds. I Love the way you make me smile. I love to feel your strong arms when they hold me tight. I love the way you accept me for who I am. I admire your inner strength. I could list reasons from here to eternity, but I will not. We are in the darkest days of our lives. I have made mistakes as have you. However, it is during this time, at our weakest, we can also be our strongest. For we have our love and if we remember that love, draw on that love, we can get through this and truly be one. Depression is not fun, I hate that you are depressed. I hate that you are sad. Sometimes I wish that I could take away all your saddness, all your hurt, all your pain and put it inside of me that way you can just live at least one day without any of it. Let’s work together, trust each other, honor each other, respect each other, be faithful in our love for each other and we can conquer all that life throws our way. I love you so much it makes me cry. I love you so much, without you I feel I would die. I know that we can make it through this together. I know you have the strength and courage deep down inside of you to do it. And I know that I also do too. I know you have the confidence also, you just have to look deep down inside yourself and pull it out. I know it may take awhile, and I’m not asking you to do this in one day, it takes time. And baby I have all the time in the world but i dont want you to feel like this for the rest of your life. I don’t want you to hurt like that. I remember the first time we said "I Love You." Do you remember? I know my memory is all fucked up, but if i recall you were sitting in your car in the Kroger’s parking lot and you told me you loved me. Did you mean you loved me as a friend or you loved me more then that? I don’t know and I don’t care, the fact that you told me that you loved me meant so very much to me. And then I fell in love with you. I haven’t been the same but I mean that in a good way. From the moment you told me you love me, my life had changed - for the better. I know that lately we have had a lot of external distractions and that those have placed a lot of strain on our relationship. But I have faith that things are going to get better because our love is strong enough that we can make it through this. Yes, we fight and argue but all couples go through this, or more, but through better or worse. Things are hard right now, and they seem to just be a big blurry mess. And the thought of losing you kills me inside. When I think about losing you I just want to die inside. Thank you for loving me no way any one has ever tried. Thank you for knowing all the little things that means so much to me. Thank you for understanding that you and I need to take time together for fun, making love, talking and just spending time together. For everything you are, and mean to me, and everything I am becoming because you are in my life ... thank you..... I want to say you’re beautiful to me, on the inside and out. Even though you don’t think your beautiful, I think your beautiful. I fell for you the moment I saw you. It was love at first sight. We have something special, something I almost messed up once, but would never mess up again. What we have is special; many wish to have what we have. Baby, listen, I couldn’t stop thinking about you and I figured I would just write you this letter and tell you how I truely feel about you, this took a lot of emotions to put this into words. I love you; I love you so much that I can do and give up everything just for you. I can accept everything because I really love you, God knows, words are not enough to describe how much I love you so, but then it doesn’t mean that because I love you that much I’m goin’ to be possessive or whatever. The love I have for you is the kind of love that doesn’t expect or ask for anything in return. I’m not trying to force, or expect you to love me the way I love you; I am not expecting that you will love me with same intensity. You, being there at my side, knowing that you care for me, and hearing you whispering "I love you..." are more than enough, and they mean the world to me. I wish I could show you and make you look deep into my eyes to show you what’s really there. To show you how much I truely love you babydoll. Why can’t you realize we are a match made in Heaven? Maybe one day you will realize this. I hope so. We’re lovers; we’re friends; we’re two love birds, and we’re soul mates. You and I, under the moonlight, together until the stars don’t shine any more. I know that I don’t talk to you like you want me to, but I hope you realize that I am much better at expressing myself in words, letters, poems, and songs. And that is one reason I am writing you this letter babydoll. I know times have been rough and things have been said but I hope deep down you know how much you truly mean to me. It’s hard not having you around and things in my life have been stressful and I’ve taken my bad days out on you, but please know that you mean the world to me and I love you with every beat of my heart. I squeeze my rhino at night wishing you were there to hold me and kiss me goodnight. Please have faith in us that we can make it through anything. Our love, such a strong love, will help guide us through and give us the strength that we need to make it through these rough times. When I first started hanging out with you I had no idea that we would end up like this. I knew that when hung out for the first time and I looked into your eyes that you were the one for me. The one I was put on this earth for. You are my soul mate! I was hoping and praying that you had even the tiniest bit of the same feelings as I did. When you told me that you loved me I was beside myself with joy. I want to spend the rest of my life with you. I hope that you are having sweet dreams right now and that you are smiling in your sleep. I miss you very much and I know when you read this that you will think that I should be sleeping but I’m thinking about you and I can’t sleep but that isn’t a bad thing. I love you so much Sara. I hope you read this. That is why I am posting it as a blog. No one else is going to see this letter that I have wrote you except for Walter and Joey and of course you. I want to share my love for you with my best friend. And well, Joey don’t really read blogs anyway I’m sure. I just wanted you to know how much I truely love you. I am much better at expressing myself through letters and words. I hope this was good enough. I love you so much Sara. Have a good day at work tomorrow baby.
Love always,
angela, your homie g
dear god
Dear God,
Can you please tell me what I can do to take away Sara's sadness and pain? I am not trying to write to you and have you think I am being selfish. I simply am asking you God what I can do to help her. I feel helpless and lost. I love her very much and I only want the best things for her in life. I want her to be happy whether that is with me or someone else. I only want the best out of life for her. Am I doing something wrong? Do I need to change even more than I already have? God can you please help me. I am at wits end right now. I am hanging on by a thread and that is simply why I am turning to you. I'm turning to you for help. Everyone always says you are the one to turn to in times of need. People say to turn to you when they need answers. Can you help me? Thank you so much God. I will always love you and I would be so appreciative of you if you could help me. Please do not think I am being selfish in asking you for help. I don't even really know what I'm saying. I feel like an idiot. I don't know. Everyone always says to have faith in you and that you can help and guide in the right direction. But how do I even know what that is? I don't know. I'm lost and confused. Please help me help Sara. I don't want to lose her.
Can you please tell me what I can do to take away Sara's sadness and pain? I am not trying to write to you and have you think I am being selfish. I simply am asking you God what I can do to help her. I feel helpless and lost. I love her very much and I only want the best things for her in life. I want her to be happy whether that is with me or someone else. I only want the best out of life for her. Am I doing something wrong? Do I need to change even more than I already have? God can you please help me. I am at wits end right now. I am hanging on by a thread and that is simply why I am turning to you. I'm turning to you for help. Everyone always says you are the one to turn to in times of need. People say to turn to you when they need answers. Can you help me? Thank you so much God. I will always love you and I would be so appreciative of you if you could help me. Please do not think I am being selfish in asking you for help. I don't even really know what I'm saying. I feel like an idiot. I don't know. Everyone always says to have faith in you and that you can help and guide in the right direction. But how do I even know what that is? I don't know. I'm lost and confused. Please help me help Sara. I don't want to lose her.
crazy addiction
To My Dearest Friend;
Breathing in
Breathing out
Inhale the freedom
Exhale the doubt
Burn it through
Catch smoke arise
Use your lungs
To feel alive
Zone out to nothing
Feel the world let go
Leave your mind
Beyond and low
Rise above
With the smoke
And when you fade
Take one more toke
Breath it in
Let it out
Inhale death
Exhale doubt
Burning burning
Become so free
Leave your mind
And just "be".
In your lungs
In your mind
In your blood
No worries to find.
You've never left
You are my heart
My darling, my love
We mustn't part.
Breathing in
Breathing out
This is my love
Without a doubt.
Burning my life
To become yours
Capture me
I love you more
You will be
The Death of me
Oh, dear heroin
I am carefree.
Breathing in
Breathing out
Inhale the freedom
Exhale the doubt
Burn it through
Catch smoke arise
Use your lungs
To feel alive
Zone out to nothing
Feel the world let go
Leave your mind
Beyond and low
Rise above
With the smoke
And when you fade
Take one more toke
Breath it in
Let it out
Inhale death
Exhale doubt
Burning burning
Become so free
Leave your mind
And just "be".
In your lungs
In your mind
In your blood
No worries to find.
You've never left
You are my heart
My darling, my love
We mustn't part.
Breathing in
Breathing out
This is my love
Without a doubt.
Burning my life
To become yours
Capture me
I love you more
You will be
The Death of me
Oh, dear heroin
I am carefree.
confused
I’m lost in this little world of confusion
I don’t know what to think
or how to act
but I go about doing what my heart tells me is right
and my heart has landed me in one tough spot
and now I sit here
and wonder what to do
I’m in love with a girl, that has a bf
and even though she tells me she loves me
and wants to be with me
that doesn’t mean we will be together
because she hasn’t left him yet
and I have started liking another girl
and she has someone
I wonder to myself, as I sit here
why do I do this to myself?
Why do I set myself up for sadness
and disappointment?
I don’t know what to do
as I sit here
and all these thoughts start swelling up in my head
my head is going to explode
as I go to sleep now
and pray for her
I hope that she knows, just in case I died tonight
how much I love her
and everything that I said was true
I don’t know what to think
or how to act
but I go about doing what my heart tells me is right
and my heart has landed me in one tough spot
and now I sit here
and wonder what to do
I’m in love with a girl, that has a bf
and even though she tells me she loves me
and wants to be with me
that doesn’t mean we will be together
because she hasn’t left him yet
and I have started liking another girl
and she has someone
I wonder to myself, as I sit here
why do I do this to myself?
Why do I set myself up for sadness
and disappointment?
I don’t know what to do
as I sit here
and all these thoughts start swelling up in my head
my head is going to explode
as I go to sleep now
and pray for her
I hope that she knows, just in case I died tonight
how much I love her
and everything that I said was true
confessions of a poet
Life is not what I would like it to be.
Life right now is annoying.
I want to cry. I really do.
I'm tired of being poor, I'm tired of being broke.
I'm tired of doing without so Walter won't do without.
I'm tired of giving him food that I'm going to eat and go without so he won't get hungry. I don't understand it.
I don't understand how I can be so nice and so sweet and so caring
only Sara gives it back to me.
Walter is hungry, yeah so I give him my food.
Is this how it is going to be for the rest of my life?
Me going without so he doesn't have to go without?
No, I don't want it to be like that.
I need to hurry up and finish school so I can actually have a career and then move out.
I'm not taking care of Walter for the rest of his life.
He doesn't give a fuck about me at all.
Because if he did he would act like it.
He used to care.
He used to even act like he cared.
I'm not his mother, I'm not his wife.
I'm his best friend.
But there is a point when you just can't take it anymore.
There is a point where you push the friendship over the edge.
I've been pushed over the edge.
Yes, I live here and don't pay any bills at all.
But what do I really use?
I use the shower every once in a while.
I use the electric every once in awhile.
I don't know.
What is wrong with me that I feel this way?
I just feel like I am being used.
I come home yesterday and all the milk has been drank,
all the Pepsi has been drank,
all the Dr. Pepper has been drank,
of course he drank all of his Diet Pepsi
Why are people so fucking selfish?
Why do people just suddenly turn into selfish people and only care about themselves?
I don't get it.
I try hard to help other people.
Anyways.
I'm going to end this.
Life right now is annoying.
I want to cry. I really do.
I'm tired of being poor, I'm tired of being broke.
I'm tired of doing without so Walter won't do without.
I'm tired of giving him food that I'm going to eat and go without so he won't get hungry. I don't understand it.
I don't understand how I can be so nice and so sweet and so caring
only Sara gives it back to me.
Walter is hungry, yeah so I give him my food.
Is this how it is going to be for the rest of my life?
Me going without so he doesn't have to go without?
No, I don't want it to be like that.
I need to hurry up and finish school so I can actually have a career and then move out.
I'm not taking care of Walter for the rest of his life.
He doesn't give a fuck about me at all.
Because if he did he would act like it.
He used to care.
He used to even act like he cared.
I'm not his mother, I'm not his wife.
I'm his best friend.
But there is a point when you just can't take it anymore.
There is a point where you push the friendship over the edge.
I've been pushed over the edge.
Yes, I live here and don't pay any bills at all.
But what do I really use?
I use the shower every once in a while.
I use the electric every once in awhile.
I don't know.
What is wrong with me that I feel this way?
I just feel like I am being used.
I come home yesterday and all the milk has been drank,
all the Pepsi has been drank,
all the Dr. Pepper has been drank,
of course he drank all of his Diet Pepsi
Why are people so fucking selfish?
Why do people just suddenly turn into selfish people and only care about themselves?
I don't get it.
I try hard to help other people.
Anyways.
I'm going to end this.
cheated
The night she left my house was the night I died inside
It was my fault, I cheated, I wasn't thinking clearly, I was all fucked up
Everyone has their faults, I know I sure do
That one month was my biggest fault, I ain't never fucked up like that before
What I did to her replays In my head everyday, damn I'm a fool
It's something I'll have to live with for the rest of my life
And don't think my baby don't let me forget it, which is the way it should be
She keeps talkin about it but it makes me see
Opens my eyes to what I did, no wonder she threw my ass up against the wall
I never meant to hurt my baby, I don't know why I did what I did
I fucked up a month of my life, but I got my baby back
One month seems to equal a fucking lifetime because that is something I won't be allowed to ever fucking forget
Some people can change, once a cheater not always a cheater, fuck what everyone says
Listen to those god damn fools, they don't know shit, all they do is listen to those fucking beauty magazines
What the fuck does those beauty magazines honestly know about a fucking relationship
Not a god damned thing, I bet none of them mother fuckers ever even been In a long term relationship
I cheated, got defeated, but my baby took me back, now I got a lot to prove
Shit, I'll spend the rest of my god damn life trying to fucking prove to her that I love her and that I'm fucking sorry
I guess this shit is something I gotta live with for the rest of my fucking life
Love makes you do crazy things sometimes, but in the end it's all worth it
Love is the key to life if you look at it, love is the fucking key
Who the hell wants to spend the rest of their life alone
Sure as fuck not me, I don't want to be alone for the rest of my life
I admit that I fucked up and let some lying bitch get to me
But I got my shit straight and there won't be no more messing around on my baby
I know what I want and who really loves me, so I got my baby back and that's the way it's going to stay
Sorry you lying whore but I've forgotten all about you, don't think I'll ever want you back
You fucked up my life you bitch, but I got my shit on track
Sometimes shit gets too stressful, life gets so rushed as the days pass us by
Shit gets fucked up, take a couple drinks, get high so you feel like you can fly
I got my shit straight and I got my baby back now, but I gotta lot to prove
I had to make a decision, I had to choose
I chose what would make me happiest, and I'll be god damned if I let anyone get in the way of our happiness
It was my fault, I cheated, I wasn't thinking clearly, I was all fucked up
Everyone has their faults, I know I sure do
That one month was my biggest fault, I ain't never fucked up like that before
What I did to her replays In my head everyday, damn I'm a fool
It's something I'll have to live with for the rest of my life
And don't think my baby don't let me forget it, which is the way it should be
She keeps talkin about it but it makes me see
Opens my eyes to what I did, no wonder she threw my ass up against the wall
I never meant to hurt my baby, I don't know why I did what I did
I fucked up a month of my life, but I got my baby back
One month seems to equal a fucking lifetime because that is something I won't be allowed to ever fucking forget
Some people can change, once a cheater not always a cheater, fuck what everyone says
Listen to those god damn fools, they don't know shit, all they do is listen to those fucking beauty magazines
What the fuck does those beauty magazines honestly know about a fucking relationship
Not a god damned thing, I bet none of them mother fuckers ever even been In a long term relationship
I cheated, got defeated, but my baby took me back, now I got a lot to prove
Shit, I'll spend the rest of my god damn life trying to fucking prove to her that I love her and that I'm fucking sorry
I guess this shit is something I gotta live with for the rest of my fucking life
Love makes you do crazy things sometimes, but in the end it's all worth it
Love is the key to life if you look at it, love is the fucking key
Who the hell wants to spend the rest of their life alone
Sure as fuck not me, I don't want to be alone for the rest of my life
I admit that I fucked up and let some lying bitch get to me
But I got my shit straight and there won't be no more messing around on my baby
I know what I want and who really loves me, so I got my baby back and that's the way it's going to stay
Sorry you lying whore but I've forgotten all about you, don't think I'll ever want you back
You fucked up my life you bitch, but I got my shit on track
Sometimes shit gets too stressful, life gets so rushed as the days pass us by
Shit gets fucked up, take a couple drinks, get high so you feel like you can fly
I got my shit straight and I got my baby back now, but I gotta lot to prove
I had to make a decision, I had to choose
I chose what would make me happiest, and I'll be god damned if I let anyone get in the way of our happiness
bullet in my head
voices my head.. they scream and shout so loud..voices in my head..like a bullet in my brain..misery and pain.. agony in my mind.. each voice feels like a splinter in my skull..like shards of glass ripping through my flesh.. like shares of bone fragments that turn into a nagging pain.. the nagging pain.. like a bullet in my head.. the insults hurtling at me.. arguements within me.. about me being taken out of sanity and living a life slowly losing grip on reality.. round and round round and round..till im dizzy and want to collapse it feels like theres a bullet in my head..i cant get it out its stuck in there.. nothing can take away the pain.. schizophrenia.. a bullet in my head.. they call to me, the voices in my head, schizophrenia.. a bullet in my head..
apathetic epitaph
I don't have
Much longer to go.
Seven years and I'll do away
With myself.
So I ask
Why not?
Let's explore the world;
And hear grass breathe,
Hear the moon sing,
And dance with music inside me.
I want to feel words,
And be a statement,
And lie in thoughts as I see
Future and past fly by me;
Past posters of gods
With guitars.
I won't care about people dying
Or the ignorant ranting on the street.
I'll smile when someone insults me,
Because they won't feel this,
Or see the simplicity.
So I heard it from a friend;
A friend and a song
By a band all velvety.
Maybe I'll try it.
I probably will;
And two words when I die,
Carved into stone:
"Why not?"
Much longer to go.
Seven years and I'll do away
With myself.
So I ask
Why not?
Let's explore the world;
And hear grass breathe,
Hear the moon sing,
And dance with music inside me.
I want to feel words,
And be a statement,
And lie in thoughts as I see
Future and past fly by me;
Past posters of gods
With guitars.
I won't care about people dying
Or the ignorant ranting on the street.
I'll smile when someone insults me,
Because they won't feel this,
Or see the simplicity.
So I heard it from a friend;
A friend and a song
By a band all velvety.
Maybe I'll try it.
I probably will;
And two words when I die,
Carved into stone:
"Why not?"
Sunday, October 5, 2008
a love that kills
I'm addicted to a drug
An addiction beyond my control
I've tried to cure my addiction
But I just can't let it go
The drug once said he loved me
His name…was heroin
I tried to quit him once before
And he's never been back again
In weakness there were a few times
Where I injected him deep inside me
I'd hoped he would have come back to his love
And together once more we'd be
Logically I know
He does not want to be with me
But when I'm high on his love
Logic I no longer see
So I tried to replace my addiction
By using other drugs
The other drug I'm hooked on now
Isn't the one I love
What about my other addiction
Do I quit him so
Is heroin my only love
Does my other drug love me so
I do not want to hurt him
Or make him think he's not what I need
But the truth of my addictions remains
I need my heroin, poppy seed
I am a heroin junky
An addict to the core
After my first heroin hit
I've always needed more
I am a user no doubt
I use to hide the pain
But the worst pain I ever felt
Was losing my heroin
Inject me with your love
Keep me safe and sane
Run yourself through my body
Take away my pain
Coming down away from him
Makes my mind combust
I'd give my heart and my soul
For one more needle thrust
I have lost all that matters
My virginity, sanity, and love
I want to overdose on him
Because I lost my heroin drug
An addiction beyond my control
I've tried to cure my addiction
But I just can't let it go
The drug once said he loved me
His name…was heroin
I tried to quit him once before
And he's never been back again
In weakness there were a few times
Where I injected him deep inside me
I'd hoped he would have come back to his love
And together once more we'd be
Logically I know
He does not want to be with me
But when I'm high on his love
Logic I no longer see
So I tried to replace my addiction
By using other drugs
The other drug I'm hooked on now
Isn't the one I love
What about my other addiction
Do I quit him so
Is heroin my only love
Does my other drug love me so
I do not want to hurt him
Or make him think he's not what I need
But the truth of my addictions remains
I need my heroin, poppy seed
I am a heroin junky
An addict to the core
After my first heroin hit
I've always needed more
I am a user no doubt
I use to hide the pain
But the worst pain I ever felt
Was losing my heroin
Inject me with your love
Keep me safe and sane
Run yourself through my body
Take away my pain
Coming down away from him
Makes my mind combust
I'd give my heart and my soul
For one more needle thrust
I have lost all that matters
My virginity, sanity, and love
I want to overdose on him
Because I lost my heroin drug
Sunday, April 20, 2008
Birthday
I had a great birthday. I got a playstation 3, a new hat, a new shirt, a new digital camera, a new laptop for my birthday. Deuce took me and sara out to eat 4 my birthday at applebees. Sara got me an orange birthday cake since orange is my favorite color. Saras parents gave me a card and money. Sara got me a cute card also. This birthday was awesome.
Friday, March 28, 2008
Something Has To Change On Campus
I don’t understand how someone can just come in your room while you are gone and steal your belongings. I had something stole from me. I don’t understand it. All of my school files were on the computer. As president I will do a good job, I will do everything I can to help everybody. I try to help everybody now and I don’t understand how someone would steal my belongings. Oh well. I’m getting a roommate change maybe. I think it was my roommate who left the door unlocked. This makes me upset.
Friday, March 21, 2008
Babydoll Please read
Dear Sara my babydoll,
It has been a long year. It seems really that we have been together longer. Longer then a year that is. I feel as if i have known you forever. And I like that feeling. The feeling of being able to wake up and know that there is someone out there that loves me as much as i love them and to know that i have someone in my life that makes me happy. Our love has proven to be true even through the worst of times. Every single day that passes, I thank God for you. I love you more than you could ever imagine. Baby, you mean the universe to me and I want to be with you for all time. Together we can do anything. Our love is what keeps a smile on my face, knowing that you care and will always be there. I can’t imagine where I would be right now without you. I love you! Just remember, please don’t go to bed mad if we have had a fight because you never know what tomorrow will bring. While lying in bed last night and thinking about the times we’ve spent together, I still wonder if I’m dreaming this magical life with you. Being in love with you brings joy into my life again, when I thought I couldn’t feel this way about anyone, anymore. I am just thankful that you’re in my life. The road for us is still long and wide and very, very difficult, but remember I will always be by your side to support you, no matter what. I am only truly happy when I am with you. Your presence just lights up my world. Everything I am and everything I have is dependant upon you. I am sorry for the way I have mistreated you in the past and I know you are sorry for mistreating me. We can be happy together if we work everything out, which I think we will. You are everything to me and I love you with all my heart. I hope I can learn to open up to you and let you know how I feel. I also hope that you will be able to recognize when something is wrong. But no matter what we do or where we go, I will love you. I will always love you, Baby. You mean the world to me, and I hope that things will go back to normal. I understand that we have not been together for very long, but I want to express to you the love that I feel. My life has been a hellish nightmare, one that haunts and never leaves me to peace. The day that I realized that I loved you, my bad dreams ceased. What I feel for you is that awesome love that poets write about and that we mere mortals only dream of experiencing. It is the love that is considered unconditional and undying; so great that my heart seems to burst with the joy of it. I cannot fathom living my life without you - waking would never be the same without your sweet face to look forward to; I would not be living, just existing; sleeping would be impossible without you to dream of. You have made my life worth every moment, every breath. I know that we are young, and as such are thought not to feel such intense emotions, but what I feel is true and blinding in it’s power. You have swept me away and proved to me that magic exists - in you. You have overcome many obstacles within your life which have made you the wonderful person you are today. You should be very proud that you have persevered all your experiences and with it you have lived, acknowledged, and learned and you have never intentionally done on to others as it has been done unto you for you know what it feels like and you have the strength to rise above it all. You are attractive, generous, honest, humorous, intelligent, kind, loveable, loving, and passionate. What words can describe the sweetest, most beautiful part of my life? You are my certainty, my comfort and hope, without you I would be lost. I know we have our ups and downs but if you’ll let me, I want to make you feel how you deserve, like a queen, like a goddess. Each day I hope I can give just a little of what bliss you give me. I want to give you just a little of the happiness that you give me. I love you so much Sara and I really don’t know what i would do without you. Even though we may argue sometimes and we get upset sometimes at each other just remember that I love you very much and that I will do anything for you. I will do anything to make you happy. I will do anything to fight for you. It tears me apart to see you upset, and crying and hurting inside. I feel like we are connected into one soul. When you hurt, i hurt. When you are sad, i’m sad. When you cry, I feel like crying. There are so many reasons for me to love you. I love the way you find humor in the darkest of clouds. I Love the way you make me smile. I love to feel your strong arms when they hold me tight. I love the way you accept me for who I am. I admire your inner strength. I could list reasons from here to eternity, but I will not. We are in the darkest days of our lives. I have made mistakes as have you. However, it is during this time, at our weakest, we can also be our strongest. For we have our love and if we remember that love, draw on that love, we can get through this and truly be one. Depression is not fun, I hate that you are depressed. I hate that you are sad. Sometimes I wish that I could take away all your saddness, all your hurt, all your pain and put it inside of me that way you can just live at least one day without any of it. Let’s work together, trust each other, honor each other, respect each other, be faithful in our love for each other and we can conquer all that life throws our way. I love you so much it makes me cry. I love you so much, without you I feel I would die. I know that we can make it through this together. I know you have the strength and courage deep down inside of you to do it. And I know that I also do too. I know you have the confidence also, you just have to look deep down inside yourself and pull it out. I know it may take awhile, and I’m not asking you to do this in one day, it takes time. And baby I have all the time in the world but i dont want you to feel like this for the rest of your life. I don’t want you to hurt like that. I remember the first time we said "I Love You." Do you remember? I know my memory is all fucked up, but if i recall you were sitting in your car in the Kroger’s parking lot and you told me you loved me. Did you mean you loved me as a friend or you loved me more then that? I don’t know and I don’t care, the fact that you told me that you loved me meant so very much to me. And then I fell in love with you. I haven’t been the same but I mean that in a good way. From the moment you told me you love me, my life had changed - for the better. I know that lately we have had a lot of external distractions and that those have placed a lot of strain on our relationship. But I have faith that things are going to get better because our love is strong enough that we can make it through this. Yes, we fight and argue but all couples go through this, or more, but through better or worse. Things are hard right now, and they seem to just be a big blurry mess. And the thought of losing you kills me inside. When I think about losing you I just want to die inside. Thank you for loving me no way any one has ever tried. Thank you for knowing all the little things that means so much to me. Thank you for understanding that you and I need to take time together for fun, making love, talking and just spending time together. For everything you are, and mean to me, and everything I am becoming because you are in my life ... thank you..... I want to say you’re beautiful to me, on the inside and out. Even though you don’t think your beautiful, I think your beautiful. I fell for you the moment I saw you. It was love at first sight. We have something special, something I almost messed up once, but would never mess up again. What we have is special; many wish to have what we have. Baby, listen, I couldn’t stop thinking about you and I figured I would just write you this letter and tell you how I truely feel about you, this took a lot of emotions to put this into words. I love you; I love you so much that I can do and give up everything just for you. I can accept everything because I really love you, God knows, words are not enough to describe how much I love you so, but then it doesn’t mean that because I love you that much I’m goin’ to be possessive or whatever. The love I have for you is the kind of love that doesn’t expect or ask for anything in return. I’m not trying to force, or expect you to love me the way I love you; I am not expecting that you will love me with same intensity. You, being there at my side, knowing that you care for me, and hearing you whispering "I love you..." are more than enough, and they mean the world to me. I wish I could show you and make you look deep into my eyes to show you what’s really there. To show you how much I truely love you babydoll. Why can’t you realize we are a match made in Heaven? Maybe one day you will realize this. I hope so. We’re lovers; we’re friends; we’re two love birds, and we’re soul mates. You and I, under the moonlight, together until the stars don’t shine any more. I know that I don’t talk to you like you want me to, but I hope you realize that I am much better at expressing myself in words, letters, poems, and songs. And that is one reason I am writing you this letter babydoll. I know times have been rough and things have been said but I hope deep down you know how much you truly mean to me. It’s hard not having you around and things in my life have been stressful and I’ve taken my bad days out on you, but please know that you mean the world to me and I love you with every beat of my heart. I squeeze my rhino at night wishing you were there to hold me and kiss me goodnight. Please have faith in us that we can make it through anything. Our love, such a strong love, will help guide us through and give us the strength that we need to make it through these rough times. When I first started hanging out with you I had no idea that we would end up like this. I knew that when hung out for the first time and I looked into your eyes that you were the one for me. The one I was put on this earth for. You are my soul mate! I was hoping and praying that you had even the tiniest bit of the same feelings as I did. When you told me that you loved me I was beside myself with joy. I want to spend the rest of my life with you. I hope that you are having sweet dreams right now and that you are smiling in your sleep. I miss you very much and I know when you read this that you will think that I should be sleeping but I’m thinking about you and I can’t sleep but that isn’t a bad thing. I love you so much Sara. I hope you read this. That is why I am posting it as a blog. No one else is going to see this letter that I have wrote you except for Walter and Joey and of course you. I want to share my love for you with my best friend. And well, Joey don’t really read blogs anyway I’m sure. I just wanted you to know how much I truely love you. I am much better at expressing myself through letters and words. I hope this was good enough. I love you so much Sara. Have a good day at work tomorrow baby.
Love always,
angela, your homie g
It has been a long year. It seems really that we have been together longer. Longer then a year that is. I feel as if i have known you forever. And I like that feeling. The feeling of being able to wake up and know that there is someone out there that loves me as much as i love them and to know that i have someone in my life that makes me happy. Our love has proven to be true even through the worst of times. Every single day that passes, I thank God for you. I love you more than you could ever imagine. Baby, you mean the universe to me and I want to be with you for all time. Together we can do anything. Our love is what keeps a smile on my face, knowing that you care and will always be there. I can’t imagine where I would be right now without you. I love you! Just remember, please don’t go to bed mad if we have had a fight because you never know what tomorrow will bring. While lying in bed last night and thinking about the times we’ve spent together, I still wonder if I’m dreaming this magical life with you. Being in love with you brings joy into my life again, when I thought I couldn’t feel this way about anyone, anymore. I am just thankful that you’re in my life. The road for us is still long and wide and very, very difficult, but remember I will always be by your side to support you, no matter what. I am only truly happy when I am with you. Your presence just lights up my world. Everything I am and everything I have is dependant upon you. I am sorry for the way I have mistreated you in the past and I know you are sorry for mistreating me. We can be happy together if we work everything out, which I think we will. You are everything to me and I love you with all my heart. I hope I can learn to open up to you and let you know how I feel. I also hope that you will be able to recognize when something is wrong. But no matter what we do or where we go, I will love you. I will always love you, Baby. You mean the world to me, and I hope that things will go back to normal. I understand that we have not been together for very long, but I want to express to you the love that I feel. My life has been a hellish nightmare, one that haunts and never leaves me to peace. The day that I realized that I loved you, my bad dreams ceased. What I feel for you is that awesome love that poets write about and that we mere mortals only dream of experiencing. It is the love that is considered unconditional and undying; so great that my heart seems to burst with the joy of it. I cannot fathom living my life without you - waking would never be the same without your sweet face to look forward to; I would not be living, just existing; sleeping would be impossible without you to dream of. You have made my life worth every moment, every breath. I know that we are young, and as such are thought not to feel such intense emotions, but what I feel is true and blinding in it’s power. You have swept me away and proved to me that magic exists - in you. You have overcome many obstacles within your life which have made you the wonderful person you are today. You should be very proud that you have persevered all your experiences and with it you have lived, acknowledged, and learned and you have never intentionally done on to others as it has been done unto you for you know what it feels like and you have the strength to rise above it all. You are attractive, generous, honest, humorous, intelligent, kind, loveable, loving, and passionate. What words can describe the sweetest, most beautiful part of my life? You are my certainty, my comfort and hope, without you I would be lost. I know we have our ups and downs but if you’ll let me, I want to make you feel how you deserve, like a queen, like a goddess. Each day I hope I can give just a little of what bliss you give me. I want to give you just a little of the happiness that you give me. I love you so much Sara and I really don’t know what i would do without you. Even though we may argue sometimes and we get upset sometimes at each other just remember that I love you very much and that I will do anything for you. I will do anything to make you happy. I will do anything to fight for you. It tears me apart to see you upset, and crying and hurting inside. I feel like we are connected into one soul. When you hurt, i hurt. When you are sad, i’m sad. When you cry, I feel like crying. There are so many reasons for me to love you. I love the way you find humor in the darkest of clouds. I Love the way you make me smile. I love to feel your strong arms when they hold me tight. I love the way you accept me for who I am. I admire your inner strength. I could list reasons from here to eternity, but I will not. We are in the darkest days of our lives. I have made mistakes as have you. However, it is during this time, at our weakest, we can also be our strongest. For we have our love and if we remember that love, draw on that love, we can get through this and truly be one. Depression is not fun, I hate that you are depressed. I hate that you are sad. Sometimes I wish that I could take away all your saddness, all your hurt, all your pain and put it inside of me that way you can just live at least one day without any of it. Let’s work together, trust each other, honor each other, respect each other, be faithful in our love for each other and we can conquer all that life throws our way. I love you so much it makes me cry. I love you so much, without you I feel I would die. I know that we can make it through this together. I know you have the strength and courage deep down inside of you to do it. And I know that I also do too. I know you have the confidence also, you just have to look deep down inside yourself and pull it out. I know it may take awhile, and I’m not asking you to do this in one day, it takes time. And baby I have all the time in the world but i dont want you to feel like this for the rest of your life. I don’t want you to hurt like that. I remember the first time we said "I Love You." Do you remember? I know my memory is all fucked up, but if i recall you were sitting in your car in the Kroger’s parking lot and you told me you loved me. Did you mean you loved me as a friend or you loved me more then that? I don’t know and I don’t care, the fact that you told me that you loved me meant so very much to me. And then I fell in love with you. I haven’t been the same but I mean that in a good way. From the moment you told me you love me, my life had changed - for the better. I know that lately we have had a lot of external distractions and that those have placed a lot of strain on our relationship. But I have faith that things are going to get better because our love is strong enough that we can make it through this. Yes, we fight and argue but all couples go through this, or more, but through better or worse. Things are hard right now, and they seem to just be a big blurry mess. And the thought of losing you kills me inside. When I think about losing you I just want to die inside. Thank you for loving me no way any one has ever tried. Thank you for knowing all the little things that means so much to me. Thank you for understanding that you and I need to take time together for fun, making love, talking and just spending time together. For everything you are, and mean to me, and everything I am becoming because you are in my life ... thank you..... I want to say you’re beautiful to me, on the inside and out. Even though you don’t think your beautiful, I think your beautiful. I fell for you the moment I saw you. It was love at first sight. We have something special, something I almost messed up once, but would never mess up again. What we have is special; many wish to have what we have. Baby, listen, I couldn’t stop thinking about you and I figured I would just write you this letter and tell you how I truely feel about you, this took a lot of emotions to put this into words. I love you; I love you so much that I can do and give up everything just for you. I can accept everything because I really love you, God knows, words are not enough to describe how much I love you so, but then it doesn’t mean that because I love you that much I’m goin’ to be possessive or whatever. The love I have for you is the kind of love that doesn’t expect or ask for anything in return. I’m not trying to force, or expect you to love me the way I love you; I am not expecting that you will love me with same intensity. You, being there at my side, knowing that you care for me, and hearing you whispering "I love you..." are more than enough, and they mean the world to me. I wish I could show you and make you look deep into my eyes to show you what’s really there. To show you how much I truely love you babydoll. Why can’t you realize we are a match made in Heaven? Maybe one day you will realize this. I hope so. We’re lovers; we’re friends; we’re two love birds, and we’re soul mates. You and I, under the moonlight, together until the stars don’t shine any more. I know that I don’t talk to you like you want me to, but I hope you realize that I am much better at expressing myself in words, letters, poems, and songs. And that is one reason I am writing you this letter babydoll. I know times have been rough and things have been said but I hope deep down you know how much you truly mean to me. It’s hard not having you around and things in my life have been stressful and I’ve taken my bad days out on you, but please know that you mean the world to me and I love you with every beat of my heart. I squeeze my rhino at night wishing you were there to hold me and kiss me goodnight. Please have faith in us that we can make it through anything. Our love, such a strong love, will help guide us through and give us the strength that we need to make it through these rough times. When I first started hanging out with you I had no idea that we would end up like this. I knew that when hung out for the first time and I looked into your eyes that you were the one for me. The one I was put on this earth for. You are my soul mate! I was hoping and praying that you had even the tiniest bit of the same feelings as I did. When you told me that you loved me I was beside myself with joy. I want to spend the rest of my life with you. I hope that you are having sweet dreams right now and that you are smiling in your sleep. I miss you very much and I know when you read this that you will think that I should be sleeping but I’m thinking about you and I can’t sleep but that isn’t a bad thing. I love you so much Sara. I hope you read this. That is why I am posting it as a blog. No one else is going to see this letter that I have wrote you except for Walter and Joey and of course you. I want to share my love for you with my best friend. And well, Joey don’t really read blogs anyway I’m sure. I just wanted you to know how much I truely love you. I am much better at expressing myself through letters and words. I hope this was good enough. I love you so much Sara. Have a good day at work tomorrow baby.
Love always,
angela, your homie g
Monday, February 25, 2008
Poem i wrote last night
I'm a ticking time bomb waiting to explode
My mind is a dangerous playground & i don't want 2 play anymore
I can't control it.. It won't go away
I have no more control anymore
It just won't stop
Its not something i can help
My meds got me all screwed up and it messes with my head
If i don't control it i'll end up dead
Tryin 2 find who i once was but keep comin up with nothin
I run & run, but all i do is rush
Life is passin me by & i don't know wat 2 do or why
All i do is sleep and cry
I hate the life that i'm living now but its no one's fault but mine
I hope things get better soon cos i can't take much more of this
I'm tired of bein sick & tired
I have no energy anymore & i never feel like doing anything at all
I'm tired of feelin this way
I just don't know wat 2 do anymore
I feel like just givin up the fight
It always gets worse at night
Its just so easy 2 pop a bunch of pills
Its not even about doin it 4 the thrills
Life for me has just gotten that bad
Just feel like takin a razorblade 2 my arm & makin a piece of art,
oh look at all the different pretty red colors
Monday, February 18, 2008
Giving up
So troubled.. my mind is so messed up.. Dont care no more.. Dont know which way to go.. Just want to cry.. Just want to shout in anger.. Just want to scream out the pain.. Just want to cry, cry in the rain.. life sometimes becomes a bit too much.. Too much for me to handle.. Dont tell anyone.. Keep the thoughts in my head.. Dont say the things i probably should have said.. Im losing all emotion.. Losing my will to care.. Losing my will to survive.. Almost about to just give up.. Losing who i am.. Hating myself for who ive become.. Losing my personality.. Such a coward.. Ive become such a bad person.. Hate who i am.. Hate who ive become.. Losing.. Giving up.. Jobless.. No money to survive.. No food to eat, becoming skin and bones, wasting away slowly.. Ive lost it all.. Breakdown after breakdown.. Episode after episode.. Its getting harder to survive.. Sometimes life gets worse than we had hoped for.. Didnt want 2 have to resort to this just to survive.. didnt ever want to have to live life this way...........
Friday, February 8, 2008
Poem I wrote last night
I fly so high..so high into the sky..i can touch the stars..maybe one day wipe the scars..bleed away the romance..
Always laugh & dance..Sing a song 2nite..a song 4 the broken hearted.. The young & departed..I'll whisper my sins away..
Its late now i cannot stay... There'll come a time.. A time wen u can look back & understand..Life is wat u make it...
made my choice... Sing a song..it'll be the story of my life.. A life lived n pain & dispair...
I never asked 4 it 2 turn out this way...Just remember i love you.. You'll understand life another day...Tonight close your eyes..
Whisper ur sins away.. Its my day..close ur eyes have no fear...it'll take u under...Ur under its spell now... Tighten ur arm..
Clench ur fist..it'll make u float.. You'll take a risk...This is the life i chose.. So u choose urs wiser..
Have a good life because you only get 1 chance 2 make it right..live or die or put up a fight..It numbs the pain..
But ur numb & thats all you've ever felt...this is ur life.. These were the cards u were dealt..Afraid 2 sleep, afraid 2 dream...
life isn't wat it seemed..Tears fill ur eyes with such pain..inside ur head it will always rain.. Screams of pain & screams of fear..
Inside ur head..thats all u ever hear.. Love you now.. Loved you than.. Will love u forever... Love in death..
Sins my past now washed away..Sleep 2 dream so u can be a nightmare n my sleep, wake up sweating.. It'll overcome u...
i lived a good life but this is goodbye..my eyes have sunk in..This is where it ends..
They are dark like coal..So black and gray... This is it.. This is the day..
Always laugh & dance..Sing a song 2nite..a song 4 the broken hearted.. The young & departed..I'll whisper my sins away..
Its late now i cannot stay... There'll come a time.. A time wen u can look back & understand..Life is wat u make it...
made my choice... Sing a song..it'll be the story of my life.. A life lived n pain & dispair...
I never asked 4 it 2 turn out this way...Just remember i love you.. You'll understand life another day...Tonight close your eyes..
Whisper ur sins away.. Its my day..close ur eyes have no fear...it'll take u under...Ur under its spell now... Tighten ur arm..
Clench ur fist..it'll make u float.. You'll take a risk...This is the life i chose.. So u choose urs wiser..
Have a good life because you only get 1 chance 2 make it right..live or die or put up a fight..It numbs the pain..
But ur numb & thats all you've ever felt...this is ur life.. These were the cards u were dealt..Afraid 2 sleep, afraid 2 dream...
life isn't wat it seemed..Tears fill ur eyes with such pain..inside ur head it will always rain.. Screams of pain & screams of fear..
Inside ur head..thats all u ever hear.. Love you now.. Loved you than.. Will love u forever... Love in death..
Sins my past now washed away..Sleep 2 dream so u can be a nightmare n my sleep, wake up sweating.. It'll overcome u...
i lived a good life but this is goodbye..my eyes have sunk in..This is where it ends..
They are dark like coal..So black and gray... This is it.. This is the day..
Wednesday, February 6, 2008
poem from last night...
I've lost who i was.. I've become some1 i hate.. A monster.. Some1 i'm not.. I fight the demons that i have inside..
But the thoughts just won't subside..Everyday that i wake up i wish that i hadn't..
i don't know why these thoughts run thru my head.. I don't understand why i wish i was dead..
I can't explain why i've been acting this way.. I've been treating ppl wrong & i don't know why..
i can't sleep, can't eat..all i can do is cry..I'm dying slowly inside.. Every day i have thoughts in my head..
I have thoughts of taking pills just to numb the pain..everyday it rains inside my head.. I try not 2 listen 2 the voices..
Even tho the voices say i should end it all.. Sometimes i wonder wat it would b like 2 die.. But truth is, i'm so scared 2 die..
I think sometimes that if i was dead maybe ppls lives would be better if i was gone..it keeps playin over & over.. This stupid song..
its like a broken record.. That keeps on skipping..And everyday i keep on wishing..hoping that this will be the last..
it has nothing 2 do with u.. I'm just not happy with myself..No matter wat u say..
i'll always think this is my fault..i'll always blame myself..hate who i am.. Have who i've become..
But the thoughts just won't subside..Everyday that i wake up i wish that i hadn't..
i don't know why these thoughts run thru my head.. I don't understand why i wish i was dead..
I can't explain why i've been acting this way.. I've been treating ppl wrong & i don't know why..
i can't sleep, can't eat..all i can do is cry..I'm dying slowly inside.. Every day i have thoughts in my head..
I have thoughts of taking pills just to numb the pain..everyday it rains inside my head.. I try not 2 listen 2 the voices..
Even tho the voices say i should end it all.. Sometimes i wonder wat it would b like 2 die.. But truth is, i'm so scared 2 die..
I think sometimes that if i was dead maybe ppls lives would be better if i was gone..it keeps playin over & over.. This stupid song..
its like a broken record.. That keeps on skipping..And everyday i keep on wishing..hoping that this will be the last..
it has nothing 2 do with u.. I'm just not happy with myself..No matter wat u say..
i'll always think this is my fault..i'll always blame myself..hate who i am.. Have who i've become..
Monday, February 4, 2008
3 Feb 2008
I hate myself right now. I hate who i've become. I hate that i don't hate a job. I hate that i don't have any money.
I hate myself cos i feel like i'm a failure. I feel like i'm not good enough 4 any1. I feel like every1 expects so much of me.
I just don't know wat 2 do anymore. I feel so lost inside. My mind is a ticking time bomb just waiting 2 go off.
Somethin is crawlin on my skin..i don't know wat it is but its something
I ripped the skin off my foot. I think i have athletes feet thanks 2 the army cos i had 2 wear those combat boots wen i was n the army.
I can't sleep. Kourtnee is passed out next 2 me. She so snores n her sleep. Lol.. I forgot exactly wat she has.
I know that she has to use a nebulizer when she gets real sick. I think thats why she snores 4 one.
I can't sleep but my eyes are gettin heavy. I had 2 pee earlier and before i went 2 the bathroom i was fallin asleep.
After i came bak from the bathroom i was wide awake again. But my eyes are so gettin heavy again.
I feel like i'm bout 2 go 2 sleep soon.
Maria scared the shit out of me earlier. She sat str8 up & it scared me. I don't think she was awake tho.
I talked 2 her but she didn't respond. Lol. Kevin is in there talkin 2 himself. Elizabeth was talkin n her sleep.
It was freakin me out. I guess n a way i'm scared. I'm scared about a lot of things.
I don't like Craigsville. This town scares the hell out of me. I'm not goin 2 get n2 all that tho. I don't talk about my feelings tho.
I so was going 2 fix something 2 eat but every1 went 2 bed on me. I'm layin n bed but can't sleep.
I can't even use the internet on my phone cos i'm n roaming cos we're out n Craigsville.
I took kourtnee back 2 school 2 c every1 but there weren't many ppl there. She ended up having an argument with Nicolette.
She never did tell me wat that was about. Or wat corey said. Maybe she didn't tell me cos she didn't want me gettin pissed off.
I hate myself cos i feel like i'm a failure. I feel like i'm not good enough 4 any1. I feel like every1 expects so much of me.
I just don't know wat 2 do anymore. I feel so lost inside. My mind is a ticking time bomb just waiting 2 go off.
Somethin is crawlin on my skin..i don't know wat it is but its something
I ripped the skin off my foot. I think i have athletes feet thanks 2 the army cos i had 2 wear those combat boots wen i was n the army.
I can't sleep. Kourtnee is passed out next 2 me. She so snores n her sleep. Lol.. I forgot exactly wat she has.
I know that she has to use a nebulizer when she gets real sick. I think thats why she snores 4 one.
I can't sleep but my eyes are gettin heavy. I had 2 pee earlier and before i went 2 the bathroom i was fallin asleep.
After i came bak from the bathroom i was wide awake again. But my eyes are so gettin heavy again.
I feel like i'm bout 2 go 2 sleep soon.
Maria scared the shit out of me earlier. She sat str8 up & it scared me. I don't think she was awake tho.
I talked 2 her but she didn't respond. Lol. Kevin is in there talkin 2 himself. Elizabeth was talkin n her sleep.
It was freakin me out. I guess n a way i'm scared. I'm scared about a lot of things.
I don't like Craigsville. This town scares the hell out of me. I'm not goin 2 get n2 all that tho. I don't talk about my feelings tho.
I so was going 2 fix something 2 eat but every1 went 2 bed on me. I'm layin n bed but can't sleep.
I can't even use the internet on my phone cos i'm n roaming cos we're out n Craigsville.
I took kourtnee back 2 school 2 c every1 but there weren't many ppl there. She ended up having an argument with Nicolette.
She never did tell me wat that was about. Or wat corey said. Maybe she didn't tell me cos she didn't want me gettin pissed off.
Tuesday, January 22, 2008
Wats happened n 2007
My alcoholism got worse.. I overdosed on vicoden wen sara i 1st started hangin out.. I moved outta walters apt.. Moved bak n my parents house.. Fell n love been with her since feb 14th 2007..got 2 go 2 my hometown townsend tennesse 4 my bday. Overdosed on ativan and adderall and sara and my mom took care of me that nite..started school..sara moved n with my parents and i..
Tuesday, January 1, 2008
New years
This is the 2nd year that ive gone without my parents. Next year im watchin the ball drop with my parents. Sara i are at her parents house waitin 2 watch the ball drop. Her parents r awesome. I love them. They r totally cool.
Words of wisdom
Just remember.... You have to make yourself happy before you make anyone else happy! It only matters how you see yourself! You cant make anyone else happy if your not happy! You have to be confident about yourself, not conceited or cocky necessarily but you have to tell yourself that you are a beautiful person not just on the inside but on the outside also!
2007 wat a year
2007 has been a great yr. Ive lost touch with sum ppl, lost friendships gaind friendships. Its been a great yr but also it hasnt. I started with the dept of rehabilitative services n nov of 06 with plans 2 go 2 skool. 1 stipulation was that wth my histry of drinkn and doin drugs that i wud go 2 aa and na. I went 2 a couple meetins but than i stoppd goin. I went n nov but stoppd goin. On new yrs of 07 i went2 club216 and got totally wasted. Cant remember much of wat happnd that nite. I told myslef that i wasnt goin2 drink anymore or do drugs but i continued it. I dated ppl that did both so that didnt help me 2 stop doin it. I lived with my best friend walter and we always drank. I eventually moved outta walters and n2 my parents. I started hangn out with sara who i had known4awhile i just never hung out with her. We bcame best friends nstantly. She helpd me get off the drugs alcohol..
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