Poem i wrote last night

I'm a ticking time bomb waiting to explode

My mind is a dangerous playground & i don't want 2 play anymore

I can't control it.. It won't go away

I have no more control anymore

It just won't stop

Its not something i can help

My meds got me all screwed up and it messes with my head

If i don't control it i'll end up dead

Tryin 2 find who i once was but keep comin up with nothin

I run & run, but all i do is rush

Life is passin me by & i don't know wat 2 do or why

All i do is sleep and cry

I hate the life that i'm living now but its no one's fault but mine

I hope things get better soon cos i can't take much more of this

I'm tired of bein sick & tired

I have no energy anymore & i never feel like doing anything at all

I'm tired of feelin this way

I just don't know wat 2 do anymore

I feel like just givin up the fight

It always gets worse at night

Its just so easy 2 pop a bunch of pills

Its not even about doin it 4 the thrills

Life for me has just gotten that bad

Just feel like takin a razorblade 2 my arm & makin a piece of art,

oh look at all the different pretty red colors

Giving up

So troubled.. my mind is so messed up.. Dont care no more.. Dont know which way to go.. Just want to cry.. Just want to shout in anger.. Just want to scream out the pain.. Just want to cry, cry in the rain.. life sometimes becomes a bit too much.. Too much for me to handle.. Dont tell anyone.. Keep the thoughts in my head.. Dont say the things i probably should have said.. Im losing all emotion.. Losing my will to care.. Losing my will to survive.. Almost about to just give up.. Losing who i am.. Hating myself for who ive become.. Losing my personality.. Such a coward.. Ive become such a bad person.. Hate who i am.. Hate who ive become.. Losing.. Giving up.. Jobless.. No money to survive.. No food to eat, becoming skin and bones, wasting away slowly.. Ive lost it all.. Breakdown after breakdown.. Episode after episode.. Its getting harder to survive.. Sometimes life gets worse than we had hoped for.. Didnt want 2 have to resort to this just to survive.. didnt ever want to have to live life this way...........

Poem I wrote last night

I fly so high..so high into the sky..i can touch the stars..maybe one day wipe the scars..bleed away the romance..

Always laugh & dance..Sing a song 2nite..a song 4 the broken hearted.. The young & departed..I'll whisper my sins away..

Its late now i cannot stay... There'll come a time.. A time wen u can look back & understand..Life is wat u make it...

made my choice... Sing a song..it'll be the story of my life.. A life lived n pain & dispair...

I never asked 4 it 2 turn out this way...Just remember i love you.. You'll understand life another day...Tonight close your eyes..

Whisper ur sins away.. Its my day..close ur eyes have no fear...it'll take u under...Ur under its spell now... Tighten ur arm..

Clench ur fist..it'll make u float.. You'll take a risk...This is the life i chose.. So u choose urs wiser..

Have a good life because you only get 1 chance 2 make it right..live or die or put up a fight..It numbs the pain..

But ur numb & thats all you've ever felt...this is ur life.. These were the cards u were dealt..Afraid 2 sleep, afraid 2 dream...

life isn't wat it seemed..Tears fill ur eyes with such pain..inside ur head it will always rain.. Screams of pain & screams of fear..

Inside ur head..thats all u ever hear.. Love you now.. Loved you than.. Will love u forever... Love in death..

Sins my past now washed away..Sleep 2 dream so u can be a nightmare n my sleep, wake up sweating.. It'll overcome u...

i lived a good life but this is goodbye..my eyes have sunk in..This is where it ends..

They are dark like coal..So black and gray... This is it.. This is the day..

poem from last night...

I've lost who i was.. I've become some1 i hate.. A monster.. Some1 i'm not.. I fight the demons that i have inside..
But the thoughts just won't subside..Everyday that i wake up i wish that i hadn't..
i don't know why these thoughts run thru my head.. I don't understand why i wish i was dead..
I can't explain why i've been acting this way.. I've been treating ppl wrong & i don't know why..
i can't sleep, can't eat..all i can do is cry..I'm dying slowly inside.. Every day i have thoughts in my head..
I have thoughts of taking pills just to numb the pain..everyday it rains inside my head.. I try not 2 listen 2 the voices..
Even tho the voices say i should end it all.. Sometimes i wonder wat it would b like 2 die.. But truth is, i'm so scared 2 die..
I think sometimes that if i was dead maybe ppls lives would be better if i was gone..it keeps playin over & over.. This stupid song..
its like a broken record.. That keeps on skipping..And everyday i keep on wishing..hoping that this will be the last..
it has nothing 2 do with u.. I'm just not happy with myself..No matter wat u say..
i'll always think this is my fault..i'll always blame myself..hate who i am.. Have who i've become..

3 Feb 2008

I hate myself right now. I hate who i've become. I hate that i don't hate a job. I hate that i don't have any money.
I hate myself cos i feel like i'm a failure. I feel like i'm not good enough 4 any1. I feel like every1 expects so much of me.
I just don't know wat 2 do anymore. I feel so lost inside. My mind is a ticking time bomb just waiting 2 go off.
Somethin is crawlin on my skin..i don't know wat it is but its something
I ripped the skin off my foot. I think i have athletes feet thanks 2 the army cos i had 2 wear those combat boots wen i was n the army.
I can't sleep. Kourtnee is passed out next 2 me. She so snores n her sleep. Lol.. I forgot exactly wat she has.
I know that she has to use a nebulizer when she gets real sick. I think thats why she snores 4 one.
I can't sleep but my eyes are gettin heavy. I had 2 pee earlier and before i went 2 the bathroom i was fallin asleep.
After i came bak from the bathroom i was wide awake again. But my eyes are so gettin heavy again.
I feel like i'm bout 2 go 2 sleep soon.
Maria scared the shit out of me earlier. She sat str8 up & it scared me. I don't think she was awake tho.
I talked 2 her but she didn't respond. Lol. Kevin is in there talkin 2 himself. Elizabeth was talkin n her sleep.
It was freakin me out. I guess n a way i'm scared. I'm scared about a lot of things.
I don't like Craigsville. This town scares the hell out of me. I'm not goin 2 get n2 all that tho. I don't talk about my feelings tho.
I so was going 2 fix something 2 eat but every1 went 2 bed on me. I'm layin n bed but can't sleep.
I can't even use the internet on my phone cos i'm n roaming cos we're out n Craigsville.
I took kourtnee back 2 school 2 c every1 but there weren't many ppl there. She ended up having an argument with Nicolette.
She never did tell me wat that was about. Or wat corey said. Maybe she didn't tell me cos she didn't want me gettin pissed off.