Memories

Sometimes I have hard tine remembering things from when I was a kid. It was so long ago. It seems like I remember bits and pieces of my life and don't remember some things. I guess I have blocked out a lot so its hard for me to remember things. I try to keep the memories alive so sometimes I will repeat things I have already said. With some of my past relationships I have blocked out a lot of it and don't remember it.

I have always had mental problems. I was diagnosed with Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder when I was in elementary school. I was put on Ritalin when I was a kid. And I was in Special Education Classes since Kindergarden. I was in Special Education from Kindergarden to eleventh grade. I think around eleventh grade is when I stopped taking Ritalin. After that I coped with my ADHD. It wasn't until I went to Woodrow Wilson Rehabilitation Center when I got back on medicine for my ADHD. The doctor first put me on Ritalin since I took it as a kid. But it didnt work so they put me on Adderall and I have been on that since. I was a child with behaviorial problems. I think I was a bad kid. I used to cuss my parents. I feel bad for the way I acted as a kid. When I turned 19 I apologized to my mom for the way I acted as a kid. I can't believe the way I was. I love my parents and I am sorry for the way I acted. I was bad and I used to fight with my sister whom I love dearly and I feel bad for being mean to my sister because I love my sister. If I could take back the way I acted growing up I totally would and I would be so different and my parents would have had it easier. I changed when I turned 19 and got out on my own. Of course I didn't really grow up and mature until I turned 30. After I turned 30 my whole perspective on life changed. I have grown up a lot. I didn't think I would ever mature but I did even though it took me longer. But at least I have grown up and matured and apologized to my parents for the way I acted. I used to do stuff for attention and its not like my parents didn't give me attention because they did. I don't know, I guess I wanted all the attention back then. Now I could care less about getting all the attention but back then I was all about it.
I used to cut myself as a teen. I was depressed. When they put me on Ritalin they eventually put me on Wellbutrin also because mom said I used to just stare out the window like a zombie. So they put me on that and I was back to me, it balanced out. But when I was a teen and they took me off Ritalin I believe I was also taken off Wellbutrin because I wasn't on mom's insurance anymore. Then again maybe I am wrong. When I was a Junior in high school I was 18  years old so I can't remember whether I was still on Wellbutrin or not or the Ritalin but I think I was off them. I do remember that I was a depressed teen though and used to cut myself. But I didn't do it for attention because I didn't really tell anyone I did it. I don't even think Karen knew I cut myself and she is my best friend. I kinda kept it hidden. I think one reason I was so depressed was because I was struggling with my sexuality. I knew I didn't like guys but I also knew and was told that I was supposed to like them according to society and the people around me. But that wasn't who I was so I struggled with that even though I had come out when I was 14. I was still expected to act a certain way but of course i rebelled against it all. I was a rebel. I did the opposite instead. I am glad I came out so young because I was able to experience so much.
I used to write poetry about death and all kinds of crazy stuff, really dark poetry. And of course I had my struggles with drugs after I got out on my own. I was young and dumb and everyone else was doing it so I tried it. Mind you I have an addictive personality. So I got addicted to things. My greatest addiction I overcame was Heroin. Surprising to some because a lot of people didn't know I did Heroin. Not wven Karen I don't think. Except for those I did drugs with. I went to NA and I listened to what they had to say and I realized I had to change my people, places and things. After I met Jen I got off Heroin but I struggled with for a long time. I wanted to be cool, I didn't want people to think I was lame. I used to care what people think now I don't give a shit. I have overcame many things and struggles in my life but with God I have overcame it all. God is good and works in mysterious ways.