Sunday, April 20, 2008
Birthday
I had a great birthday. I got a playstation 3, a new hat, a new shirt, a new digital camera, a new laptop for my birthday. Deuce took me and sara out to eat 4 my birthday at applebees. Sara got me an orange birthday cake since orange is my favorite color. Saras parents gave me a card and money. Sara got me a cute card also. This birthday was awesome.
Friday, March 28, 2008
Something Has To Change On Campus
I don’t understand how someone can just come in your room while you are gone and steal your belongings. I had something stole from me. I don’t understand it. All of my school files were on the computer. As president I will do a good job, I will do everything I can to help everybody. I try to help everybody now and I don’t understand how someone would steal my belongings. Oh well. I’m getting a roommate change maybe. I think it was my roommate who left the door unlocked. This makes me upset.
Friday, March 21, 2008
Babydoll Please read
Dear Sara my babydoll,
It has been a long year. It seems really that we have been together longer. Longer then a year that is. I feel as if i have known you forever. And I like that feeling. The feeling of being able to wake up and know that there is someone out there that loves me as much as i love them and to know that i have someone in my life that makes me happy. Our love has proven to be true even through the worst of times. Every single day that passes, I thank God for you. I love you more than you could ever imagine. Baby, you mean the universe to me and I want to be with you for all time. Together we can do anything. Our love is what keeps a smile on my face, knowing that you care and will always be there. I can’t imagine where I would be right now without you. I love you! Just remember, please don’t go to bed mad if we have had a fight because you never know what tomorrow will bring. While lying in bed last night and thinking about the times we’ve spent together, I still wonder if I’m dreaming this magical life with you. Being in love with you brings joy into my life again, when I thought I couldn’t feel this way about anyone, anymore. I am just thankful that you’re in my life. The road for us is still long and wide and very, very difficult, but remember I will always be by your side to support you, no matter what. I am only truly happy when I am with you. Your presence just lights up my world. Everything I am and everything I have is dependant upon you. I am sorry for the way I have mistreated you in the past and I know you are sorry for mistreating me. We can be happy together if we work everything out, which I think we will. You are everything to me and I love you with all my heart. I hope I can learn to open up to you and let you know how I feel. I also hope that you will be able to recognize when something is wrong. But no matter what we do or where we go, I will love you. I will always love you, Baby. You mean the world to me, and I hope that things will go back to normal. I understand that we have not been together for very long, but I want to express to you the love that I feel. My life has been a hellish nightmare, one that haunts and never leaves me to peace. The day that I realized that I loved you, my bad dreams ceased. What I feel for you is that awesome love that poets write about and that we mere mortals only dream of experiencing. It is the love that is considered unconditional and undying; so great that my heart seems to burst with the joy of it. I cannot fathom living my life without you - waking would never be the same without your sweet face to look forward to; I would not be living, just existing; sleeping would be impossible without you to dream of. You have made my life worth every moment, every breath. I know that we are young, and as such are thought not to feel such intense emotions, but what I feel is true and blinding in it’s power. You have swept me away and proved to me that magic exists - in you. You have overcome many obstacles within your life which have made you the wonderful person you are today. You should be very proud that you have persevered all your experiences and with it you have lived, acknowledged, and learned and you have never intentionally done on to others as it has been done unto you for you know what it feels like and you have the strength to rise above it all. You are attractive, generous, honest, humorous, intelligent, kind, loveable, loving, and passionate. What words can describe the sweetest, most beautiful part of my life? You are my certainty, my comfort and hope, without you I would be lost. I know we have our ups and downs but if you’ll let me, I want to make you feel how you deserve, like a queen, like a goddess. Each day I hope I can give just a little of what bliss you give me. I want to give you just a little of the happiness that you give me. I love you so much Sara and I really don’t know what i would do without you. Even though we may argue sometimes and we get upset sometimes at each other just remember that I love you very much and that I will do anything for you. I will do anything to make you happy. I will do anything to fight for you. It tears me apart to see you upset, and crying and hurting inside. I feel like we are connected into one soul. When you hurt, i hurt. When you are sad, i’m sad. When you cry, I feel like crying. There are so many reasons for me to love you. I love the way you find humor in the darkest of clouds. I Love the way you make me smile. I love to feel your strong arms when they hold me tight. I love the way you accept me for who I am. I admire your inner strength. I could list reasons from here to eternity, but I will not. We are in the darkest days of our lives. I have made mistakes as have you. However, it is during this time, at our weakest, we can also be our strongest. For we have our love and if we remember that love, draw on that love, we can get through this and truly be one. Depression is not fun, I hate that you are depressed. I hate that you are sad. Sometimes I wish that I could take away all your saddness, all your hurt, all your pain and put it inside of me that way you can just live at least one day without any of it. Let’s work together, trust each other, honor each other, respect each other, be faithful in our love for each other and we can conquer all that life throws our way. I love you so much it makes me cry. I love you so much, without you I feel I would die. I know that we can make it through this together. I know you have the strength and courage deep down inside of you to do it. And I know that I also do too. I know you have the confidence also, you just have to look deep down inside yourself and pull it out. I know it may take awhile, and I’m not asking you to do this in one day, it takes time. And baby I have all the time in the world but i dont want you to feel like this for the rest of your life. I don’t want you to hurt like that. I remember the first time we said "I Love You." Do you remember? I know my memory is all fucked up, but if i recall you were sitting in your car in the Kroger’s parking lot and you told me you loved me. Did you mean you loved me as a friend or you loved me more then that? I don’t know and I don’t care, the fact that you told me that you loved me meant so very much to me. And then I fell in love with you. I haven’t been the same but I mean that in a good way. From the moment you told me you love me, my life had changed - for the better. I know that lately we have had a lot of external distractions and that those have placed a lot of strain on our relationship. But I have faith that things are going to get better because our love is strong enough that we can make it through this. Yes, we fight and argue but all couples go through this, or more, but through better or worse. Things are hard right now, and they seem to just be a big blurry mess. And the thought of losing you kills me inside. When I think about losing you I just want to die inside. Thank you for loving me no way any one has ever tried. Thank you for knowing all the little things that means so much to me. Thank you for understanding that you and I need to take time together for fun, making love, talking and just spending time together. For everything you are, and mean to me, and everything I am becoming because you are in my life ... thank you..... I want to say you’re beautiful to me, on the inside and out. Even though you don’t think your beautiful, I think your beautiful. I fell for you the moment I saw you. It was love at first sight. We have something special, something I almost messed up once, but would never mess up again. What we have is special; many wish to have what we have. Baby, listen, I couldn’t stop thinking about you and I figured I would just write you this letter and tell you how I truely feel about you, this took a lot of emotions to put this into words. I love you; I love you so much that I can do and give up everything just for you. I can accept everything because I really love you, God knows, words are not enough to describe how much I love you so, but then it doesn’t mean that because I love you that much I’m goin’ to be possessive or whatever. The love I have for you is the kind of love that doesn’t expect or ask for anything in return. I’m not trying to force, or expect you to love me the way I love you; I am not expecting that you will love me with same intensity. You, being there at my side, knowing that you care for me, and hearing you whispering "I love you..." are more than enough, and they mean the world to me. I wish I could show you and make you look deep into my eyes to show you what’s really there. To show you how much I truely love you babydoll. Why can’t you realize we are a match made in Heaven? Maybe one day you will realize this. I hope so. We’re lovers; we’re friends; we’re two love birds, and we’re soul mates. You and I, under the moonlight, together until the stars don’t shine any more. I know that I don’t talk to you like you want me to, but I hope you realize that I am much better at expressing myself in words, letters, poems, and songs. And that is one reason I am writing you this letter babydoll. I know times have been rough and things have been said but I hope deep down you know how much you truly mean to me. It’s hard not having you around and things in my life have been stressful and I’ve taken my bad days out on you, but please know that you mean the world to me and I love you with every beat of my heart. I squeeze my rhino at night wishing you were there to hold me and kiss me goodnight. Please have faith in us that we can make it through anything. Our love, such a strong love, will help guide us through and give us the strength that we need to make it through these rough times. When I first started hanging out with you I had no idea that we would end up like this. I knew that when hung out for the first time and I looked into your eyes that you were the one for me. The one I was put on this earth for. You are my soul mate! I was hoping and praying that you had even the tiniest bit of the same feelings as I did. When you told me that you loved me I was beside myself with joy. I want to spend the rest of my life with you. I hope that you are having sweet dreams right now and that you are smiling in your sleep. I miss you very much and I know when you read this that you will think that I should be sleeping but I’m thinking about you and I can’t sleep but that isn’t a bad thing. I love you so much Sara. I hope you read this. That is why I am posting it as a blog. No one else is going to see this letter that I have wrote you except for Walter and Joey and of course you. I want to share my love for you with my best friend. And well, Joey don’t really read blogs anyway I’m sure. I just wanted you to know how much I truely love you. I am much better at expressing myself through letters and words. I hope this was good enough. I love you so much Sara. Have a good day at work tomorrow baby.
Love always,
angela, your homie g
It has been a long year. It seems really that we have been together longer. Longer then a year that is. I feel as if i have known you forever. And I like that feeling. The feeling of being able to wake up and know that there is someone out there that loves me as much as i love them and to know that i have someone in my life that makes me happy. Our love has proven to be true even through the worst of times. Every single day that passes, I thank God for you. I love you more than you could ever imagine. Baby, you mean the universe to me and I want to be with you for all time. Together we can do anything. Our love is what keeps a smile on my face, knowing that you care and will always be there. I can’t imagine where I would be right now without you. I love you! Just remember, please don’t go to bed mad if we have had a fight because you never know what tomorrow will bring. While lying in bed last night and thinking about the times we’ve spent together, I still wonder if I’m dreaming this magical life with you. Being in love with you brings joy into my life again, when I thought I couldn’t feel this way about anyone, anymore. I am just thankful that you’re in my life. The road for us is still long and wide and very, very difficult, but remember I will always be by your side to support you, no matter what. I am only truly happy when I am with you. Your presence just lights up my world. Everything I am and everything I have is dependant upon you. I am sorry for the way I have mistreated you in the past and I know you are sorry for mistreating me. We can be happy together if we work everything out, which I think we will. You are everything to me and I love you with all my heart. I hope I can learn to open up to you and let you know how I feel. I also hope that you will be able to recognize when something is wrong. But no matter what we do or where we go, I will love you. I will always love you, Baby. You mean the world to me, and I hope that things will go back to normal. I understand that we have not been together for very long, but I want to express to you the love that I feel. My life has been a hellish nightmare, one that haunts and never leaves me to peace. The day that I realized that I loved you, my bad dreams ceased. What I feel for you is that awesome love that poets write about and that we mere mortals only dream of experiencing. It is the love that is considered unconditional and undying; so great that my heart seems to burst with the joy of it. I cannot fathom living my life without you - waking would never be the same without your sweet face to look forward to; I would not be living, just existing; sleeping would be impossible without you to dream of. You have made my life worth every moment, every breath. I know that we are young, and as such are thought not to feel such intense emotions, but what I feel is true and blinding in it’s power. You have swept me away and proved to me that magic exists - in you. You have overcome many obstacles within your life which have made you the wonderful person you are today. You should be very proud that you have persevered all your experiences and with it you have lived, acknowledged, and learned and you have never intentionally done on to others as it has been done unto you for you know what it feels like and you have the strength to rise above it all. You are attractive, generous, honest, humorous, intelligent, kind, loveable, loving, and passionate. What words can describe the sweetest, most beautiful part of my life? You are my certainty, my comfort and hope, without you I would be lost. I know we have our ups and downs but if you’ll let me, I want to make you feel how you deserve, like a queen, like a goddess. Each day I hope I can give just a little of what bliss you give me. I want to give you just a little of the happiness that you give me. I love you so much Sara and I really don’t know what i would do without you. Even though we may argue sometimes and we get upset sometimes at each other just remember that I love you very much and that I will do anything for you. I will do anything to make you happy. I will do anything to fight for you. It tears me apart to see you upset, and crying and hurting inside. I feel like we are connected into one soul. When you hurt, i hurt. When you are sad, i’m sad. When you cry, I feel like crying. There are so many reasons for me to love you. I love the way you find humor in the darkest of clouds. I Love the way you make me smile. I love to feel your strong arms when they hold me tight. I love the way you accept me for who I am. I admire your inner strength. I could list reasons from here to eternity, but I will not. We are in the darkest days of our lives. I have made mistakes as have you. However, it is during this time, at our weakest, we can also be our strongest. For we have our love and if we remember that love, draw on that love, we can get through this and truly be one. Depression is not fun, I hate that you are depressed. I hate that you are sad. Sometimes I wish that I could take away all your saddness, all your hurt, all your pain and put it inside of me that way you can just live at least one day without any of it. Let’s work together, trust each other, honor each other, respect each other, be faithful in our love for each other and we can conquer all that life throws our way. I love you so much it makes me cry. I love you so much, without you I feel I would die. I know that we can make it through this together. I know you have the strength and courage deep down inside of you to do it. And I know that I also do too. I know you have the confidence also, you just have to look deep down inside yourself and pull it out. I know it may take awhile, and I’m not asking you to do this in one day, it takes time. And baby I have all the time in the world but i dont want you to feel like this for the rest of your life. I don’t want you to hurt like that. I remember the first time we said "I Love You." Do you remember? I know my memory is all fucked up, but if i recall you were sitting in your car in the Kroger’s parking lot and you told me you loved me. Did you mean you loved me as a friend or you loved me more then that? I don’t know and I don’t care, the fact that you told me that you loved me meant so very much to me. And then I fell in love with you. I haven’t been the same but I mean that in a good way. From the moment you told me you love me, my life had changed - for the better. I know that lately we have had a lot of external distractions and that those have placed a lot of strain on our relationship. But I have faith that things are going to get better because our love is strong enough that we can make it through this. Yes, we fight and argue but all couples go through this, or more, but through better or worse. Things are hard right now, and they seem to just be a big blurry mess. And the thought of losing you kills me inside. When I think about losing you I just want to die inside. Thank you for loving me no way any one has ever tried. Thank you for knowing all the little things that means so much to me. Thank you for understanding that you and I need to take time together for fun, making love, talking and just spending time together. For everything you are, and mean to me, and everything I am becoming because you are in my life ... thank you..... I want to say you’re beautiful to me, on the inside and out. Even though you don’t think your beautiful, I think your beautiful. I fell for you the moment I saw you. It was love at first sight. We have something special, something I almost messed up once, but would never mess up again. What we have is special; many wish to have what we have. Baby, listen, I couldn’t stop thinking about you and I figured I would just write you this letter and tell you how I truely feel about you, this took a lot of emotions to put this into words. I love you; I love you so much that I can do and give up everything just for you. I can accept everything because I really love you, God knows, words are not enough to describe how much I love you so, but then it doesn’t mean that because I love you that much I’m goin’ to be possessive or whatever. The love I have for you is the kind of love that doesn’t expect or ask for anything in return. I’m not trying to force, or expect you to love me the way I love you; I am not expecting that you will love me with same intensity. You, being there at my side, knowing that you care for me, and hearing you whispering "I love you..." are more than enough, and they mean the world to me. I wish I could show you and make you look deep into my eyes to show you what’s really there. To show you how much I truely love you babydoll. Why can’t you realize we are a match made in Heaven? Maybe one day you will realize this. I hope so. We’re lovers; we’re friends; we’re two love birds, and we’re soul mates. You and I, under the moonlight, together until the stars don’t shine any more. I know that I don’t talk to you like you want me to, but I hope you realize that I am much better at expressing myself in words, letters, poems, and songs. And that is one reason I am writing you this letter babydoll. I know times have been rough and things have been said but I hope deep down you know how much you truly mean to me. It’s hard not having you around and things in my life have been stressful and I’ve taken my bad days out on you, but please know that you mean the world to me and I love you with every beat of my heart. I squeeze my rhino at night wishing you were there to hold me and kiss me goodnight. Please have faith in us that we can make it through anything. Our love, such a strong love, will help guide us through and give us the strength that we need to make it through these rough times. When I first started hanging out with you I had no idea that we would end up like this. I knew that when hung out for the first time and I looked into your eyes that you were the one for me. The one I was put on this earth for. You are my soul mate! I was hoping and praying that you had even the tiniest bit of the same feelings as I did. When you told me that you loved me I was beside myself with joy. I want to spend the rest of my life with you. I hope that you are having sweet dreams right now and that you are smiling in your sleep. I miss you very much and I know when you read this that you will think that I should be sleeping but I’m thinking about you and I can’t sleep but that isn’t a bad thing. I love you so much Sara. I hope you read this. That is why I am posting it as a blog. No one else is going to see this letter that I have wrote you except for Walter and Joey and of course you. I want to share my love for you with my best friend. And well, Joey don’t really read blogs anyway I’m sure. I just wanted you to know how much I truely love you. I am much better at expressing myself through letters and words. I hope this was good enough. I love you so much Sara. Have a good day at work tomorrow baby.
Love always,
angela, your homie g
Monday, February 25, 2008
Poem i wrote last night
I'm a ticking time bomb waiting to explode
My mind is a dangerous playground & i don't want 2 play anymore
I can't control it.. It won't go away
I have no more control anymore
It just won't stop
Its not something i can help
My meds got me all screwed up and it messes with my head
If i don't control it i'll end up dead
Tryin 2 find who i once was but keep comin up with nothin
I run & run, but all i do is rush
Life is passin me by & i don't know wat 2 do or why
All i do is sleep and cry
I hate the life that i'm living now but its no one's fault but mine
I hope things get better soon cos i can't take much more of this
I'm tired of bein sick & tired
I have no energy anymore & i never feel like doing anything at all
I'm tired of feelin this way
I just don't know wat 2 do anymore
I feel like just givin up the fight
It always gets worse at night
Its just so easy 2 pop a bunch of pills
Its not even about doin it 4 the thrills
Life for me has just gotten that bad
Just feel like takin a razorblade 2 my arm & makin a piece of art,
oh look at all the different pretty red colors
Monday, February 18, 2008
Giving up
So troubled.. my mind is so messed up.. Dont care no more.. Dont know which way to go.. Just want to cry.. Just want to shout in anger.. Just want to scream out the pain.. Just want to cry, cry in the rain.. life sometimes becomes a bit too much.. Too much for me to handle.. Dont tell anyone.. Keep the thoughts in my head.. Dont say the things i probably should have said.. Im losing all emotion.. Losing my will to care.. Losing my will to survive.. Almost about to just give up.. Losing who i am.. Hating myself for who ive become.. Losing my personality.. Such a coward.. Ive become such a bad person.. Hate who i am.. Hate who ive become.. Losing.. Giving up.. Jobless.. No money to survive.. No food to eat, becoming skin and bones, wasting away slowly.. Ive lost it all.. Breakdown after breakdown.. Episode after episode.. Its getting harder to survive.. Sometimes life gets worse than we had hoped for.. Didnt want 2 have to resort to this just to survive.. didnt ever want to have to live life this way...........
Friday, February 8, 2008
Poem I wrote last night
I fly so high..so high into the sky..i can touch the stars..maybe one day wipe the scars..bleed away the romance..
Always laugh & dance..Sing a song 2nite..a song 4 the broken hearted.. The young & departed..I'll whisper my sins away..
Its late now i cannot stay... There'll come a time.. A time wen u can look back & understand..Life is wat u make it...
made my choice... Sing a song..it'll be the story of my life.. A life lived n pain & dispair...
I never asked 4 it 2 turn out this way...Just remember i love you.. You'll understand life another day...Tonight close your eyes..
Whisper ur sins away.. Its my day..close ur eyes have no fear...it'll take u under...Ur under its spell now... Tighten ur arm..
Clench ur fist..it'll make u float.. You'll take a risk...This is the life i chose.. So u choose urs wiser..
Have a good life because you only get 1 chance 2 make it right..live or die or put up a fight..It numbs the pain..
But ur numb & thats all you've ever felt...this is ur life.. These were the cards u were dealt..Afraid 2 sleep, afraid 2 dream...
life isn't wat it seemed..Tears fill ur eyes with such pain..inside ur head it will always rain.. Screams of pain & screams of fear..
Inside ur head..thats all u ever hear.. Love you now.. Loved you than.. Will love u forever... Love in death..
Sins my past now washed away..Sleep 2 dream so u can be a nightmare n my sleep, wake up sweating.. It'll overcome u...
i lived a good life but this is goodbye..my eyes have sunk in..This is where it ends..
They are dark like coal..So black and gray... This is it.. This is the day..
Always laugh & dance..Sing a song 2nite..a song 4 the broken hearted.. The young & departed..I'll whisper my sins away..
Its late now i cannot stay... There'll come a time.. A time wen u can look back & understand..Life is wat u make it...
made my choice... Sing a song..it'll be the story of my life.. A life lived n pain & dispair...
I never asked 4 it 2 turn out this way...Just remember i love you.. You'll understand life another day...Tonight close your eyes..
Whisper ur sins away.. Its my day..close ur eyes have no fear...it'll take u under...Ur under its spell now... Tighten ur arm..
Clench ur fist..it'll make u float.. You'll take a risk...This is the life i chose.. So u choose urs wiser..
Have a good life because you only get 1 chance 2 make it right..live or die or put up a fight..It numbs the pain..
But ur numb & thats all you've ever felt...this is ur life.. These were the cards u were dealt..Afraid 2 sleep, afraid 2 dream...
life isn't wat it seemed..Tears fill ur eyes with such pain..inside ur head it will always rain.. Screams of pain & screams of fear..
Inside ur head..thats all u ever hear.. Love you now.. Loved you than.. Will love u forever... Love in death..
Sins my past now washed away..Sleep 2 dream so u can be a nightmare n my sleep, wake up sweating.. It'll overcome u...
i lived a good life but this is goodbye..my eyes have sunk in..This is where it ends..
They are dark like coal..So black and gray... This is it.. This is the day..
Wednesday, February 6, 2008
poem from last night...
I've lost who i was.. I've become some1 i hate.. A monster.. Some1 i'm not.. I fight the demons that i have inside..
But the thoughts just won't subside..Everyday that i wake up i wish that i hadn't..
i don't know why these thoughts run thru my head.. I don't understand why i wish i was dead..
I can't explain why i've been acting this way.. I've been treating ppl wrong & i don't know why..
i can't sleep, can't eat..all i can do is cry..I'm dying slowly inside.. Every day i have thoughts in my head..
I have thoughts of taking pills just to numb the pain..everyday it rains inside my head.. I try not 2 listen 2 the voices..
Even tho the voices say i should end it all.. Sometimes i wonder wat it would b like 2 die.. But truth is, i'm so scared 2 die..
I think sometimes that if i was dead maybe ppls lives would be better if i was gone..it keeps playin over & over.. This stupid song..
its like a broken record.. That keeps on skipping..And everyday i keep on wishing..hoping that this will be the last..
it has nothing 2 do with u.. I'm just not happy with myself..No matter wat u say..
i'll always think this is my fault..i'll always blame myself..hate who i am.. Have who i've become..
But the thoughts just won't subside..Everyday that i wake up i wish that i hadn't..
i don't know why these thoughts run thru my head.. I don't understand why i wish i was dead..
I can't explain why i've been acting this way.. I've been treating ppl wrong & i don't know why..
i can't sleep, can't eat..all i can do is cry..I'm dying slowly inside.. Every day i have thoughts in my head..
I have thoughts of taking pills just to numb the pain..everyday it rains inside my head.. I try not 2 listen 2 the voices..
Even tho the voices say i should end it all.. Sometimes i wonder wat it would b like 2 die.. But truth is, i'm so scared 2 die..
I think sometimes that if i was dead maybe ppls lives would be better if i was gone..it keeps playin over & over.. This stupid song..
its like a broken record.. That keeps on skipping..And everyday i keep on wishing..hoping that this will be the last..
it has nothing 2 do with u.. I'm just not happy with myself..No matter wat u say..
i'll always think this is my fault..i'll always blame myself..hate who i am.. Have who i've become..
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