Showing posts with label Bipolar. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Bipolar. Show all posts

Saturday, November 2, 2013

DWP: Writing

Daily Word Prompt: Writing

For me writing is a way to escape into a whole another world. I can get my thoughts out instead of keeping them bottled up inside. I started writing when I was a kid. When I was in elementary school I won a writing contest and they hung up my poem in the cafeteria for all to see. I felt special and important. Over the years I have won Poet Of The Month through Poetry.com which is a great site through the International Poetry Society which I belong too. I am a poet and have written so many poems over the years, too many to count. I love poetry because it is a great way to express yourself in words. If you go online on The Web Poetry Corner a lot of my poems are on there. When I was a kid I used to write stories, stories which I don't think really had a genre. I used to write about everything. Guess in my writing you could see what a grotesque dark mind I had even as a child. That comes from being bipolar and a schizophrenic I guess. I wasn't diagnosed with it until I was in the Army in 2005 in my adulthood. Back then I had never been diagnosed with it and it was never mentioned that I had it. But when I look back I can see that I had it but at that time I didn't know what bipolar or schizophrenia was. I grew up an ADHD child with behaviorial problems. Just ask my parents they will tell you what a trouble child I was. I gave them a world of problems even though I didn't mean too.
I had a learning disability and was in Special Education classes from Elementary School to High School. And yes I got made fun of for being in special ed classes. Yes life growing up was tough and I got bullied plenty. And the bullying got worse when I became a teenager because when I was 14 I came out as a lesbian and the taunting and harsh words followed. Dyke was everyone's favorite harsh word to call me. I got used to the bullying but really should anyone get used to that? I don't think so. Well I had a best friend Jennifer Wimer who was always there for me and she didn't care if I was a lesbian, she was still my friend regardless. She always took up for me and when someone made a conment she always had something to say. And she always said she was my girlfriend and she would kick their ass when someone made a rude comment. She was a good best friend but we lost touch over the years. I saw her a couple months ago when she came into my work and she told me where she was working so I should go see her. Jennifer was gothic and always painted her face similar to the group ICP and she had lots of piercings and wore a ton of necklaces. And she dressed in all black of course and dressed differently then others. She also got picked on and made fun of because of her looks but I always took up for her and didn't care what anyone said and I didn't care what ahe looked like. I wasn't her friend for her looka we got along and she had a great peraonality. She would tell people to kiss her ass when they made a comment. She was ready to fight when someone had something mean to say. She never got in any fights that I know of but she was ready if the occassion would arise. We were like two peas in a pod always hanging out and doing stuff together and talking on the phone. Funny thing is that she started off by being my sister's friend and then we started hanging out and we got along together better than her and my sister did. Jennifer and I had more in common then my sister Donica and her. So it was only natural that we clicked. We used to walk home from school together cos we lived in the subdivision behind the schools. There was normally a group of us that walked home together almost every day. One day when I was a senior in high school I was walking home by myself, I don't remember where everyone else was. Well I was walking home and this car was coming in my direction and passed me. Apparently they wanted to do a Uturn and I was passing a dead end road and they did a uturn in the intersection of that road and hit me from behind with their car. I remember the car was on top of me and I had to crawl out from under it. When they hit me it slammed me to the ground and my knees hit with a thud so hard against the ground. After I crawled out from under it they said are you ok without getting ever getting out of the vehicle and before I even had time to respond they drove off without evening checking to see if I was okay or if I was hurt. I had on brand new jeans Mom had bought me and the accident had ripped the knees out of my jeans. And my knees were all bloody. No one stopped they just kept driving by but one. Kim Martin and her boyfriend Boots were coming home from school and saw it apparently. They stopped and asked if I was ok and if I wanted a ride. I don't even remember what I said because I was in tears but I ended up walking home. Mom happened to be off work that day cos I think Donica had an appointment. When I got home I immediately called Jennifer my best friend and her dad brought her to my house. When she got there she was freaking out and asking me if I was okay and she was pissed that they drove off. And her dad was concerned also and offered to take me to the hospital. But about that time mom and donica pulled up and I told mom what happened and she called the police. A State Police Officer came to the house and took my statement. It ended up being in the paper as a hit and run which no one ever came forward about it. I received over $1000 from our insurance and I don't even know what I spent the money on but my jeans got replaced. Mom had to take a picture of them and send it to the insurance company. Karen my other best friend wasn't with me because she had already graduated from high school so that is why she wasn't with me. I can laugh about it now but at the same time its not really funny because I could have died or been hurt really bad.
But back to writing, it is a way to release what I am thinking inside. And I like to think about the past and keep the memories alive. I don't like forgetting things even though I can't remember some things. Grandpa Collins talks about the past too for the same reason. Its good to keep the memories alive. Wiriting can take you to places you've never been before and the possibilties are endless.
I haven't written any stories in a long time though. Probably not since I was a teenager really. I used to write down what my characters names were and info about them and then I would start writing the story from that point on.
Do you remember in school how we used to use the bubbles when writing. I used to love using the bubbles because I could come up so much stuff. And when I did the bubbles I had so many branched out.

Saturday, October 19, 2013

Bipolar Disorder

Yes I have Manic Depressive Bipolar Disorder. Some days I dont feel like getting out of bed. Some nights I go thru Manic phases. Some days my moods are up and down. Some days I don't feel like being around people which is hard for me because I work with the public. A lot of the time I overthink and create problems for myself that weren't there before. Overthinking is a problem for me so I try to stay busy and keep my mind on other things. Playing Words With Friends helps keep my mind busy. Sometimes my bipolar hits a low and I could be down for a week or more. And having seasonal depression doesn't help either it just makes it worse. And unfortunately its that time of the year where the weather is getting cold and my seasonal depression will be showing its face. I try to stay positive and be upbeat about life but some days its hard. Some days I am very emotional other days I am emotionless. Some days seem like a blur to me and I feel like I have no energy at all. Other days I have all the energy in the world and can get a lot done and accomplished. Some days I just want to be by myself but other days I am lonely and want to be around people and have someone to talk too. Bipolar isn't a joke, its not funny when you're the one living with it. But with all my mental illnesses I try to find humor in it because sometimes that helps. I am me, this is me, I have Bipolar. I was diagnosed with it in 2005 when I was in the Army. I don't know if I have always had it but when I look back on my childhood especially my teen years I realize that yes I did have Bipolar but back then the term Bipolar didn't exist. People weren't diagnosed Bipolar and I hadn't ever heard the term before. Seems like these days everybody has bipolar. I think some doctors are diagnosing people with bipolar even if they don't have it but I could be wrong. People use the term bipolar wrong, like, "stop acting bipolar" or "you're so bipolar". It seems to be a term used even for people who aren't bipolar. And tou think its okay to joke about it but you don't have bipolar so you wouldn't know what its like living with it unless you've been around it. The ups and downs of it can be a bit much to handle sometimes but I get by. I am a survivor and will continue the fight. I haven't given up but I know people who have and they ended up comitting suicide.
#bipolar

Wednesday, October 9, 2013

Bipolar

All the best people are bipolar

Tuesday, October 8, 2013

Bipolar Disorder

I have Bipolar Disorder. The ups and downs and rollercoaster ride of life is sometimes too much but I get by, I survive. Sometimes its a daily struggle but I manage.